Chapters:

1. Hoatzin

Casey wasn't used to having random women show up in his bedroom.  Lily had moved out three months ago, and while Camille now slept in their old room, Casey was safely ensconced in RJ's.  Jarrod had taken the room Theo vacated when he left, thus preserving the original male to female ratio of the loft.

Whoever woke Casey up at some disturbingly early hour on Saturday morning--so early he was tempted to lump it in with Friday night, where he was sure it belonged, despite the murky greyness trying to creep in ahead of the dawn--was upsetting that fragile balance.  Not that this was anything new.  Everyone who knew RJ knew his door was always open, whether they needed a couch or a meal or just a friendly ear, and that reputation didn't disappear overnight because RJ spent a few weeks in the Amazon.

He was a little surprised this one had gotten by Flit, though.  Their occasional porch guest slept lightly when he slept at all, and no one Casey knew of had ever gotten past the stairs when Flit was visiting.  Not without being subject to his presence and constant stream of chatter, anyway.

"I woke you up," the woman's voice said.  She sounded worried.  Apologetic.  Unfazed by the darkness of the room, the fact that there was someone in it, or his state of wakefulness.  Tired.  But not intrusive...  "I didn't mean to."

Casey sat up.  She sounded familiar.

"Now probably isn't a good time," the voice continued.  "I'll just... sleep in my chair.  I'll see you in the morning?"

"RJ?" Casey blurted out.  He could see shadowy movement as someone aborted their effort to escape.  His voice was rough and he was obviously nowhere near as awake as he'd thought, but--  "Why didn't you call?  I was going to meet you at the--wait, you're--since when were you coming home today?  Why didn't you tell me?"

"Technically, I planned to come home two weeks ago."

Like he might have forgotten.  Casey frowned into the darkness, wondering why everything sounded so strange.  He yawned, trying to get his ears to pop, and RJ heard him.  Of course.

"Go back to sleep."  The words were soft and... seriously, RJ sounded exhausted.  Right, because the flight had probably been ridiculous.  And now it was early even by early standards, which in this case meant very, very late.  "I'll tell you all about it in the morning."

As appealing as the thought was, Casey had classes to teach in the morning and no way was RJ going to be awake again before he left.  "Get in bed already," he said, stifling another yawn.  "I promise not to ask any more questions until I'm more awake than you are asleep."

He could almost feel the air move as RJ's hands sorted out the words.  "No," RJ said after a moment.  "I don't think that's a good idea."

Casey sighed, but if RJ wasn't going to lie down, then he might as well get up.  He could at least make a "welcome home" breakfast before he had to be at the academy.  And no questions didn't mean no kissing.  RJ had been gone a long time--it was possible he could even get out of teaching today, if he made his excuses right.

"You don't have to get up."  RJ sounded alarmed as he crawled out of bed.  Too alarmed.

It wasn't his ears, Casey decided, poking at them just in case.  "You're up," he said, to say something.  But no, his voice sounded normal.  It was only RJ's that didn't.

"Turn the light on?" he added.  It was more a warning than a request.  He flipped the switch on the celestial globe and his eyes sought RJ instinctively in the cool blue light that chased the darkness into the corners.

RJ looked bad.  Worn out, wrung out somehow, pale and dark by turns, tired pallor only making the shadows under his eyes more obvious.  Not himself.  Smaller.  Sort of...

Casey stared at him for a long moment, not sure whether to look away or blink or just keep staring.  He could be hallucinating.  Or there could be something even weirder going on that he would wish he'd memorized the details of later.  Life as a Ranger had taught him not to dismiss anything out of hand.

"RJ?" he said carefully.

"Yes?"  And the voice was strange.  So was the look RJ gave him, like he didn't really want to see Casey's reaction but couldn't keep himself from watching.  "I--my passport's in my bag, if you want to check."

Casey raised his eyebrows.  "You got back into the country... looking like that?"

RJ tried a smile, but it looked uncertain.  "It turns out they don't actually turn women back at the border.  Who knew?"

"Even when their passport says they're... not a woman?" Casey had to ask.  He thought, particularly in situations like this, that it was wise to confirm the simple things.  He'd heard plenty of stories about alternate dimensions.

"Yes, fear for our national security."  In that moment, the person standing in the room with him sounded less like someone pretending to be RJ and more like... well, RJ.  "They did confiscate my shampoo.  Apparently it was a 3.1 ounce bottle."

Temporarily distracted by the necessity of saying "I told you so," Casey pointed out, "I told you to put it in your checked bag.  Why do you need shampoo in your carry-on?"

"Not assuming that checked luggage will be lost only increases the inconvenience when it is," RJ said.  "Also, they didn't reclaim the headphones I borrowed when I switched carriers, despite the fact that they unpacked and repacked my bag right in front of me."

"You stole headphones?"

"They offered them to me for my personal use," RJ told him.  "I was still using them."

Casey tried not to smile.  "Are you going to tell me what happened?"

"They... took them out, set them on the table with the rest of my things, and then put the headphones with the little airline symbol back in my bag when they were done?"

"Funny," Casey said, folding his arms.  "But not what I was asking."

"No."  RJ frowned down at the floor.  "I suppose not."

When it became clear that no further explanation was forthcoming, Casey said carefully, "I would ask if this is some lifestyle thing you were going to tell me about eventually, except that it's... very convincing.  And you're not exactly dressing the part."

The light-colored poncho wasn't unlike RJ, and as a souvenir from Ecuador Casey might have accepted it.  Except that those were RJ's jogging sweats underneath it, and it was a rare day when RJ wore jeans in public, let alone exercise gear.  The clothes might not conceal his figure but they didn't emphasize it either, and Casey was pretty sure that if someone like RJ had chosen to explore his feminine side, he'd be more dramatic about it.

"It was..."  There was a longer than usual pause, and some more staring at the floor.  "Not entirely voluntary, I'm afraid."

Casey wanted to ask what the hell that meant, but just the fact that he was on the verge of swearing made him realize how little patience he had for this right now.  His frustration sensor, finely tuned after months of dating RJ, was telling him to back off before he said something he would have to apologize for later.

Counting to ten gave him time to look at... well, this not-stranger, and remember that traveling from anywhere in South America wasn't exactly easy.  RJ might not be feeling particularly cooperative, but this wasn't deliberate stonewalling, either.  Maybe the story was hard to tell, maybe exhaustion was taking its toll, and maybe Casey was making it worse without even realizing it.

Maybe all of the above.

"Okay, look," Casey said, and it still came out sounding more confrontational than he'd meant it to.  Trying to moderate his tone, he said, "Why don't you get some sleep.  I was about to get up anyway; I'll tell the others to leave you alone and I'll--do you want something to eat?"

The headshake was small and preoccupied and it made Casey nervous.  "Okay," he repeated.  "Can I..."  The idea that this was, somehow, the end of the world was lurking around the edges of his brain.  "Is there anything I can, uh, do?  Get you something, or... something?"

It was starting to be weird.  Or maybe the dream-like quality of the situation was just starting to fade.  He hadn't expected RJ to be home today, but he'd expected him home sometime.  The idea that he might not be--ever--that this was as close as it got, was... not worth considering.  All he wanted to do was go over to RJ's computer and e-mail him, wherever he was, and ask him what he was supposed to do with this person who had shown up in the loft wearing his clothes.

"No," RJ said, and Casey was turning away before he--before she added, "Thank you."

"Yeah, sure."  Casey shook out the comforter and threw it back down over the mattress, making a split second decision not to touch the lavender sweatshirt sticking out from under one of the pillows.  Moving it seemed more conspicuous than not, so he left it alone.

He did pull the curtains all the way across the windows, shutting out the advancing light of dawn.  He grabbed his own clothes from the trunk underneath them, tried to remember if he was forgetting anything, and turned to find that RJ hadn't moved.  He--she--the woman wearing RJ's sweats was watching him with tired eyes and a heartbreakingly familiar expression.

"Hey," Casey said awkwardly.  "It'll be okay, right?"

He got a nod in return, but no smile.  He edged out of the room, pulling the door shut behind him--then leaned back in to say, "Oh, I told you Flit's here?  Said he missed your pizza.  He's been staying on the porch the last two nights."

This did get a flash of humor.  "Yes, I saw the telltale trail of kaleidoscopes."

Casey smiled.  It faded the moment he closed the door, though, and he stood there staring at nothing for a long moment.  What.  The.  Fuck.  He ignored the insane urge to lock the door behind him--partly because it would be rude, and partly because the door didn't have a lock.

Jarrod was standing in the landing entrance when he looked up.  The other Pai Zhua teacher just watched as Casey came over to join him in the kitchen, and for a moment all he could think was, he knows.  Jarrod knew there was a woman in there, that she was wearing RJ's clothes and sleeping in RJ's and Casey's bed and Casey had absolutely no idea what to do about it.

Then Jarrod said quietly, "You're up early," and the sheer innocuousness of the statement made Casey want to laugh.

"Yeah," he managed instead.  A glance over the railing revealed RJ's backpack, propped up against the wall below.  He made himself say, "RJ's back."

"Really?"  Jarrod sounded surprised.  Join the club.  "I didn't know--did he call?"

"No."  Casey had no idea how to explain that, so he didn't try.  "He just wandered in.  Woke me up a few minutes ago; crashed, like, three seconds later.  He must have been traveling since yesterday morning."

Jarrod joined him at the railing, shaking his head.  "I guess that's RJ for you."

"Yeah," Casey said, staring out at the shadowed loft.

He changed in the bathroom, leaving his pajamas behind the towel basket under the sink.  Jarrod didn't ask, and he remembered to call Lily before it got much later.  He told her RJ was back and asked if she could stop by the loft on her way to the academy.  She knew what he was going to say before he even got that far.

"I'll give Jimmy a ride in," she said, in answer to his unspoken question.  "How's RJ?"

"Sleeping," Casey told her.  "He barely even said hi before he crashed.  He looked pretty out of it."

She sounded sympathetic, even over the phone.  "Rough flight, huh?"

"Yeah," Casey agreed with a sigh.  "I guess."

Flit was up next, darting around the kitchen in a way that Casey usually found funny but today drove him to distraction.  Jarrod took pity on him and recruited Flit to help downstairs, and Casey shot him a grateful look as they disappeared.  He had maybe half an hour before Jimmy--and hopefully Lily--showed up, and he couldn't count on Camille staying out of the way until then.

Still, he had to start somewhere.  And soon.  So he laid RJ's backpack and carry-on down on the floor and started going through them.  Between them they contained, as far as Casey could tell, everything RJ had left the loft with three weeks ago.  Including a copy of The Worst Case Scenario Survival Handbook, which Casey had given him as a birthday present and inscribed with the advice, "Don't do everything in this book on one trip, okay?"

The carry-on also included RJ's wallet and passport, both of which had pictures of him exactly the way Casey remembered him.  And yes, there was definitely a big "M" under the heading for "sex."  That seemed to rule out the alternate dimension possibility.  Unless, he supposed, RJ was the one in an alternate dimension... but if that was true, wouldn't he be acting like they were the crazy ones?

The possibility Casey liked least was the one that would be hardest to rule out.  He glanced at the clock: eight minutes.  Maybe less.  Jimmy was nothing if not punctual, and Lily was usually early.

He took RJ's travel phone up to the landing anyway and pulled his contact card off of the refrigerator.  The number listed as "ICE (local)" in the cell's phonebook matched the one RJ had given him for Tori Hanson, so he added the codes from the card and waited for the call to go through.  It rang eight times before a woman's voice said, "Alo?"

"Hi," Casey said, hoping it was someone who spoke English.  "I'm looking for Tori Hanson?"

"This is Tori," the voice replied with no trace of an accent.

"Um, hey."  He probably should have called at some point while RJ was actually there, but they'd had e-mail, and he'd heard from RJ every day, and oh yeah--somewhere in there RJ had forgot to mention he'd turned into a girl.  "I'm Casey, uh... Casey Rhodes.  I'm--"

"Oh, hi, Casey!"  Tori's tone warmed instantly.  "You're RJ's boyfriend, right?  She talked about you all the time."

"She did," Casey repeated.  He wondered if it was possible that he was perfectly sane and the rest of the world had lost it.

"Did she get home all right?" Tori was asking.  "She said she wanted to surprise you."

Mission accomplished, Casey thought.

"Yeah," he said aloud.  "She just got in an hour ago.  I just wanted to, uh... thank you.  For being so--great, while she was there."

"Thanks for letting us keep her so long," Tori said with a laugh.  "The encantados love her.  And the bird spirit thing was a huge help; it made her really popular in the jungle."

Casey was ready to reconsider the alternate dimension theory.  "Bird spirit?" he echoed.

"The dolphins can't see the river from above," Tori explained.  "And with her spirit she could show them what it looks like, you know?  She's a local hero."

Bird spirit, Casey thought.  What the hell.

"That's great," he said aloud.  "Sounds like she... fit right in.  Sometimes she's kind of--"  He sent a silent apology to RJ.  "I mean, around here, sometimes people think she's a little strange."

Tori didn't sound surprised, but she didn't say anything like, Yeah, I can see how her tendency to suddenly switch genders would make people look at her strangely.  All he got was, "They're pretty live and let live here.  Believe me, she's welcome anytime."

Casey gave up.  Unless Tori was in on it, whatever had happened to RJ must have happened before he connected with her.  And although RJ had taken contact information with him, Casey didn't think he'd actually met Tori in person until after he'd decided to extend his stay in the Amazon.  Which made sense, in a weird way: if this was what had made RJ decide not to come home, he might have needed more local support than he'd anticipated when the trip was only supposed to be a week.  And that local support wouldn't necessarily know what he looked like.

On the other hand, if RJ had actually been kidnapped, snatched, or whatever during that first week, anyone trying to replace him would obviously want as much time to acclimate as possible.  E-mailing with RJ's boyfriend for two weeks would have gotten them a lot of information.  And working their way through the list of contacts in his phone wouldn't have hurt, either.

Casey had been too embarrassed to admit that he printed out all of RJ's e-mail, keeping it in the bookcase behind the couch on the landing, but now he was glad he had.  It meant he didn't have to go back into their room to use the computer--he could spread it all out on the kitchen table, looking for clues, especially from that first week.  Was there anything he could have missed, anything that might mark a time when he was no longer talking to RJ?

A commotion in the kitchen alerted him before he could do more than be suspicious of the extra-long e-mail RJ had sent on Monday, the day before he was originally supposed to fly out.  Jimmy and Jarrod were whooping it up downstairs, and footsteps thundering toward the loft were accompanied by Jarrod's shout, "Casey!  Jimmy's here!"

"Hey."  Casey stood, dredging up a smile as Jimmy sprang onto the landing.  "S'up, man."

"Hey!"  Jimmy had way more energy than he did right now.  "Jarrod says you're not feeling well; you're not going to the academy?"

"Yeah, but Lily's going to stop on her way in."  Thank you, he thought in Jarrod's general direction.  "She'll give you a ride."

"Are you okay?" Jimmy wanted to know.  "Shouldn't you be, like, sleeping or something?"

Casey really did smile at that.  "Probably," he admitted.  "Can't help waking up early.  I'll take it easy; I just have some stuff I want to look at first."

"Okay."  Jimmy sounded serious and possibly a little doubtful.  "You always tell us to take care of ourselves.  Remember to be a role model."

"Will do," Casey promised.  "Hey, how's that kick coming?  Let's see it."

Jimmy did it at half-speed on the landing, then bounded down into the loft proper to demonstrate on the mats.  Casey hung over the railing to offer pointers before going down to join him.  Lily was there in minutes, but Camille unfortunately chose the last of those minutes to wander out onto the landing in her pajamas and sit down at the table looking sulky.

Casey had found that he could sometimes get away with ignoring her when she was in a mood, but today that worked for maybe thirty seconds before she called down, "RJ signs his e-mail to you 'love and kisses'?"

"Okay," Casey told Jimmy.  "Have fun at the academy.  Feel free to stop in on your way back; otherwise, I'll see you Monday."

Lily was laughing at him, but Jimmy managed to not smirk when he said, "Hope you feel better."

"Yeah, thanks."  He waved up at Lily.  "Thanks, Lil.  Tell Theo I said hi."

"Oh, I will," she said, grinning over the railing at him.  "Tell RJ welcome back from us.  We'll come up this afternoon, okay?"

"Yeah, sure."  There wasn't anything else he could say.  Trying to head her off would only make her suspicious--and that much more determined.  He could always say RJ was still sleeping when they showed up.  "See you."

"'Cuddles'?" Camille said from the table.  "Tell me that's a code of some sort."

"Could you not read my e-mail out loud?" Casey demanded.  He took the stairs two at a time, frowning across the landing at her.  "Actually, could you not read my e-mail at all?"

Camille shrugged in that obnoxious "I used to be a super villainess and there's nothing you can do about it" kind of way.  "Maybe you shouldn't leave it lying around on the kitchen table."

"If I feed you orange juice and eggs," he said, "will you stop annoying me on purpose?"

She considered that.  "Eggs on toast," she said.  "And no guarantees about accidental annoyance."

"Deal," Casey agreed.  As long as Flit hadn't gone through all the orange juice already.  He still didn't seem to have a real concept of how much food he could put away as a human.

If there was something specific bothering Camille this morning, Casey didn't find out what it was.  She seemed perfectly happy to eat his breakfast in exchange for silence, and if it came down to it, he didn't really want to know, so it worked out all around.  She walked away from the table without offering to do her dishes, probably on her way to shut herself in the bathroom for some unfathomable amount of time--life with Lily had in no way prepared him for living with Camille.

On the other hand, she did peek around the door and call a belated, "Thank you," before disappearing, so he supposed that was something.

By the time he'd gotten everything cleaned up, Jarrod was back and Flit was probably right behind him.  Casey rescued the e-mail from the table just in time, wondering if everyone would leave him alone if he sat in RJ's workshop.  Probably not.  Still, he couldn't use his room, and he didn't want to leave the loft because what would happen if RJ got up?

Jarrod must have seen his expression, because he said, "Flit and I are going to do some extra cleaning downstairs.  We'll probably take a break around nine."

Casey just nodded.  Another hour.  That would... well, he hoped it would help.

"Casey," Jarrod said, pausing at the top of the stairs.  "You okay?"

"Yeah," he said.  "No problem."

Jarrod hesitated, but he made it look good.  Like he was standing there contemplating something of profound importance.  Finally he nodded once and headed back downstairs.

That long e-mail.  Casey spread them out on the floor of the loft this time, his back up against the wall under the kitchen, next to RJ's bag.  He'd thought it was just RJ being homesick, or... something.  RJ rambled sometimes.  Honestly, he'd missed it, and he'd been happy to receive a three-page description of alpaca wool and native patterns and the local trees.  Looking back, maybe it was a little strange that RJ had concluded with a single paragraph about JKP, but Casey had figured he was coming home soon.  He'd have plenty of time to talk about normal stuff later.

Except the next day, RJ had sent an e-mail saying he thought he'd had a vision and wanted to stay a little longer and did Casey mind?

Of course he didn't mind.  If "longer" was a couple of days.  When it stretched into a week, and RJ started saying vague things about quests and finding himself when pressed for a return date, Casey bit his tongue and reminded himself that he'd known what he was getting into when he got involved with RJ.

Now, though, his own reply caught his eye at the bottom of RJ's brief "can I stay?" e-mail.  RJ always left the old e-mail underneath his new one, and Casey just let the printer cut off his own words whenever it got to the end of the page.  So it was only the first couple paragraphs of his response to RJ's long Monday notes on trees and cloud forests and alligators in the Amazon.

"You never change, do you?  If you lose a limb to an alligator I will make fun of you forever.  I'll still love you, but I'll laugh at you.  A lot.  Did Master Swoop teach you nothing?  If you have to try that cartoon thing where you run across the river on alligator backs, please consider FLYING instead.

"JKP misses you, but I miss you more, so don't do anything crazy in the next 24 hours.  We want you back as close to the way you left as possible.  Well, maybe some new jokes.  Something about alpacas?  Or maybe..."

Casey stared at the place where the e-mail cut off.  That's ridiculous, he told himself.  Don't be stupid.  People don't just suddenly--

Turn into flies?  Get taken over by an ancient dragon spirit?  Decide to give up their thousand-year-old life as a shapeshifting servant of evil to work in a pizza parlor?  Learn to fly, explode rocks at thirty paces, summon a solid cheetah out of thin air?

What if RJ had... changed, and Casey had accidentally said something that made him think it wouldn't be okay?  Something that made him think change was unacceptable, that Casey liked his former teacher the way he was and he expected him to stay that way forever?  That there were some things he couldn't handle?

...What if there were things he couldn't handle?

Jarrod hadn't lied, he realized.  He didn't feel so great.  It'd been an early--and honestly, weird--morning.  He should take his own advice, via Jimmy... if only for lack of better options.  He sat down on the couch, stuffed the e-mails underneath it, and pulled the blanket off the back, trying very hard not to think about people he might never see again.  It was surprisingly effective.

RJ was watching him when he woke up.  Or at least, the woman who looked like RJ was there.  Watching.  She was sitting cross-legged on the floor, far enough away that it wasn't... well, as creepy as it might have been.  It still made him close his eyes, fingers clenching on a knit blanket that was too warm.

"Kind of hoping this is still a dream," he mumbled.

"Me too," RJ said quietly.

Casey opened his eyes.  Still wearing that poncho, the same sweatpants... barefoot, and maybe a different t-shirt under the poncho.  It was hard to tell.  She... didn't look a lot less tired.  "What time is it?" he blurted out.

At the same time, RJ said, "I can prove it, if you want.  I mean, as much as anyone can prove anything.  I guess I could be some kind of clone who only thinks they're who they say they are, or... a ghost?  Would a ghost think they're someone they're not?"

Casey didn't move.  "You think I don't believe you?"

Thoughtful blue eyes stared back at him from a face that was all wrong.  "I would wonder," she said simply.  "If it was you.  I would wonder if my Casey was... somewhere else, stuck, or--or lost, somehow."

His chest hurt, a subtle ache from lying in the same position for too long.  He pushed himself up abruptly.  "Anything I ask you tells you something."

"I know."  Like she'd thought about it, too.  "You don't have to ask.  I can tell you things, if you want.  Things no one else would know."

The fact that she wasn't going to force him to listen seemed very... familiar.  Casey pushed the blanket away and slid off the couch, folding himself up on the floor beside it.  "Hit me."

"The first night we were together," she said.  "You gave me a backrub.  You asked to kiss me in the hammock.  We ended up on the floor on the blankets, until you complained that I wasn't soft enough to sleep on.  Then the next time--"

"Yes, okay," Casey interrupted.  "It wasn't any softer out there, I know."

She'd frozen when he cut her off, but that face relaxed into a tentative smile at his words.  "I applauded your improvisation, if I recall."

"Yeah, literally," he agreed.  "I didn't expect you to clap for me because I..."

RJ smiled, and Casey looked away, hoping he didn't blush.  Smiling seemed a small price to pay, especially when RJ said, "Any good effort deserves recognition."

It was so him that catching that gaze again was a shock, and Casey felt everything shift.  "The bird spirit," he said, desperate to cover his surprise.  If this was really RJ, then he needed to do a better job.  "I don't--I called Tori.  I don't get the bird spirit thing."

RJ's smile faded at that, but she didn't look upset.  "That's... where it started, I think.  I haven't been able to figure it out exactly.  I was hoping, with a little more time..."

He shouldn't say it.  He couldn't stop himself.  "You were gone a long time."

"I didn't--"  RJ stumbled instead of just pausing, this time, and the words were soft and vulnerable.  "I wasn't sure you'd want me back like this."

When it came down to the moment of truth, Casey could no more hurt RJ than he could reach out and touch the moon.  "I always want you," he said.  "You're the only thing I never doubt.  I..."

He wished he didn't have to say it, but it just came out.  "I won't lie and say it doesn't matter," he blurted out.  "I don't... it's different.  But it was worse without you."

A wistful smile turned the corners of that foreign mouth, and Casey knew exactly what he'd said: You're better than nothing.  He hated it, but he didn't know how to take it back.  Not without making it worse.  Sometimes he should just stop talking.

"I'm glad I saw you first," RJ said quietly.

Casey didn't get that at all, until he realized why the noise from the kitchen was getting louder.  His eyes widened, and he looked around automatically.  "What time is it?"

RJ followed his gaze, but the answer came without waiting for the clock.  "Almost two-thirty, I suspect."

He'd slept straight through Jarrod and Flit's break, which he'd sort of distantly known already, but the fact that he'd missed lunch was more disturbing.  Especially since it had to be pretty much everyone downstairs, and most of them were getting ready to come up.  Well, maybe Fran wasn't here yet.  He didn't think her shift started until three or four.  But if she'd heard RJ was back--and she would have--she'd probably come in early.  With Dom.

"Lily took Jimmy to the academy this morning," Casey said.  "She was going to drop him off this afternoon.  She's bringing Theo, too; they wanted to stop in and say hi."

"Very kind of them," RJ said.

"I didn't tell them," Casey insisted.  "All I said was that you're back.  And that you were... sleeping."

"So I was," RJ agreed.  "I'm not now."

But he was still--

"Right," Casey said slowly.  "So you're up for this?  After... what, like five hours of sleep?"

"I actually got here more than nine hours ago," RJ said.  "And I feel safe in saying that it won't get easier.  Keeping secrets only makes discovering them more painful."

"Okay."  Casey had long since accepted that RJ made his own rules.  "What do you want me to do?"

Lily's voice yelled "knock, knock!" up the stairs, and RJ shot him a sidelong glance as they got to their feet.  "Don't... laugh?"

Casey frowned, and the glance became a smile.  "What you're doing is fine," RJ said calmly.  "Come on up!" she added, and wow, it was a lot more obvious when she raised her voice.  That was one way of warning them.

Or not, because the first thing Theo said when he crested the stairs was, "Okay, why did RJ not tell us he had a sister?"

And then Lily was introducing herself, and Jimmy was there, and of course both Dom and Fran had arrived and the only real luck was that Jarrod and Flit had stayed downstairs--who knew where Camille had gone--but it was still sort of a train wreck.  RJ could talk about a lot of things, but he--she--didn't really talk fast enough to interrupt anyone.  Casey's only excuse was that he was still kind of shell-shocked.

He kept waiting for RJ to say something, to stop them somehow.  To come out with something easy and insightful that would make everyone understand... or at least listen.  How hard was it to think before they spoke?  Did it really make sense for RJ to have a sister?  A sister he'd never told them about, one who just happened to be in the loft, wearing his clothes, the same day he'd come back?

When Theo said "hi" and "nice to meet you," and Jimmy shuffled around like he was embarrassed, and Fran looked hurt that RJ had never told them and Lily asked for the second time where RJ was, Casey couldn't take it anymore.  "This isn't RJ's sister," he burst out.

Dom, who'd been standing behind Fran and squinting almost the entire time, said, "No way."

"Yeah, you look just like him!" Lily exclaimed, beaming at RJ.  "That's so funny!"

"It's not funny," Casey said.

At the same moment, Dom added, "I don't think that's what he means, Lil."

Theo scoffed.  "It's what he said; what else can it mean?"

"Um, hello," RJ began.

The little wave that accompanied the greeting made Fran's eyes widen, and she said, "Oh my gosh, RJ?  What are you--I mean--you're back!"

RJ held her hands out to the sides, and Fran took a step forward, and then they both stopped and sort of shifted awkwardly until Fran giggled.  She threw herself into RJ's arms, hugging her so hard they stumbled a little.  Casey saw RJ's shoulders tremble and tighten as she returned the embrace with a desperation that belied her surface calm.

Everyone else was momentarily silent.

"What?" Theo said.

"This isn't RJ's sister," Casey repeated, before anyone else could jump in.  "It's RJ."

"What?" Lily said.

"There was a--"  RJ squeezed Fran harder, resting her chin on Fran's shoulder for just a moment before reluctantly releasing her.  "Slight mix-up, with my animal spirit.  Well..."  Fran stepped back, and RJ's hand followed hers, just for a moment.  "A disagreement, really.  A small argument."

"You argued with your animal spirit and it turned you into a girl?" Fran blurted out.  She was clearly wondering if the same thing could happen to her.  In reverse.

RJ considered that, and Casey saw Lily and Theo exchange looks.

"Not... precisely," RJ said at last.  "It would be more accurate to say that I argued with my animal spirit, and it... left me."

This prompted a wave of protests, including one from Jimmy whom Casey only then realized was looking to him for an example.  He wasn't the only one, either: Lily and Theo had both been giving him "really?" looks since they walked in, and he hadn't paid any attention.  Dom was watching him now, an expectant expression on his face.

"That's where the bird spirit came in," Casey said, because it was the only thing he knew to say.  He didn't think it was particularly helpful, but RJ gave him a grateful look.

"Bird spirit?" Fran repeated.  "What kind of bird spirit?"

"Not... the same one you have," RJ said.  "This is a--different kind."

"The kind that helps people when their animal spirits leave them?" Casey suggested.

RJ brightened, and it was hard not to smile when she said, "Yes.  Exactly that kind."

"Okay, where does the being a girl thing come in?" Theo wanted to know.

Lily put a hand on his shoulder.  "I think there are more important questions, Theo."

"No," RJ said with a sigh.  "There probably aren't.  I think they're related, anyway."

"Okay, then when did this happen?" Lily asked.  "Why didn't you tell us?" she added, giving Casey an indignant look.  "How hard is it to be like, 'by the way, RJ's a woman now'!"

"I--"  On the verge of saying, I didn't know, Casey glanced at RJ and saw everything that hadn't changed, after all.  "It didn't really come up," he said instead.  "We were all pretty busy."

"Too busy to tell us RJ's had a sex change?" Theo countered.

"Does anyone else want to know why RJ's animal spirit took off?" Dom asked.

"Yes," RJ said, frowning.  "Unfortunately, I'm not completely... clear on that.  I'm only a little more clear on the scientific legend that is the hoatzin, one of which now seems to be following me around everywhere I go."

"Um, the what?" Fran said, looking around as though she might see something.  Everyone but Dom followed her example.

Casey was too busy watching RJ to catch Dom's expression when he offered, "Amazon game bird, right?  That's the spirit that picked you up when the wolf left?"

"It's not really a game bird," RJ said.  "Apparently they don't taste very good."

"Not that you would know," Casey guessed.

RJ favored him with a vague look that hid a smile.  It was kind of reassuring to realize that he knew what was behind those eyes, even now.  "Well, no," RJ admitted.  "I heard rumors."

"Is this the one that has its own order?" Fran wanted to know.  "The big evolutionary mystery that people put with the doves or the cuckoos or whatever seems convenient so no one has to admit they have no idea where it came from?  I don't understand why they don't just ask the Native Amazonians.  They probably have some legend about peace-loving changelings that explains the whole thing!"

Even Casey and Dom looked at her this time.

Finally Dom poked her in the shoulder, gently, and said, "You didn't recognize 'hoatzin' but you got 'non-game Amazonian game bird'?"

Fran rolled her eyes.  "I can't help it if you pronounce it funny," she said, poking him back.  "There's supposed to be another 'c' in there somewhere."

RJ was watching them, and Casey realized abruptly that he was too far away.  It only occurred to him when he went to nudge RJ and found he couldn't.  So he sidled closer, bumped RJ's shoulder, and said, "What, the wolf wasn't mysterious enough for you?  You had to find a more mysterious animal spirit?"

The way that curious façade dissolved into a genuine smile, complete with downcast eyes and a little laugh when she looked away, was completely worth it.

"Hey," Jimmy said, raising his hand a little.  "Just, uh, out of curiosity..."  He looked a little nervous when they all looked at him, but he carried on gamely.  "Is this, like, something that's gonna happen to... other Pai Zhua students?"

"No," Casey told him.  "I think it's safe to say this is something that could only happen to RJ."

"That's probably true," Lily said with a laugh.

"Okay," Jimmy said.  "Well, I was just checking."

"Oh!" Fran exclaimed, before anyone could ask more questions.  "The party!"

Casey opened his mouth to veto that plan, but the way RJ brightened made him hesitate.  "Party?" she asked.  "Is there a party?"

"Yes!" Lily declared.  "We planned a welcome home party for you, but then you didn't come home, so we've been putting it off."

"We can't have a party," Theo protested.  "Come on, that's..."  He waved in RJ's direction and didn't finish the sentence.

Casey, who had been inclined to agree with him until he realized RJ actually liked the idea--of course--rapidly revised his opinion.  "Why not?" he said.  "Everyone we invited is someone who's going to know anyway."

"You want to have it after hours?"  Fran wrinkled her nose without explanation.

"No, hey, let's not have a welcome back party," Dom said.  "Let's just have a welcome party!"

"Yeah!"  Fran beamed.  "That's perfect!"

Lily glanced at RJ, and whatever she saw there must have convinced her.  "Great!" she agreed.  "Except we didn't know you were coming back today, so Theo and I have to go to a thing--can we do it tomorrow?  Does Alicia have her language group this Sunday?"

"They're meeting early," Fran said.  "We could do it tomorrow evening!  I'll put it on the menu boards today, and I'll make a sign; ooh, and we're going to have an Amazon theme, is that okay?  I came up with a new pizza and everything!"

Casey grinned, shooting a sideways glance at RJ.  He didn't have the height quite right, even with her shoulder inches away from his.  But she wasn't looking, and he had to laugh at her hopeful expression.  "You haven't heard what's on it yet," he warned, flicking his eyes to Fran.

Fran put her hands on her hips, frowning back at him.  "Excuse me, Casey Rhodes, but we all remember what happened when you tried to make an upside-down pizza.  I think you owe it to the person who cleaned off that pizza stone to try her Amazon Experiment."

He held up his hands.  "You're right, you're right.  I yield.  Thank you, Fran."

"As you should," she said with a sniff.  When Lily giggled, though, RJ glanced at her and Fran winked at Casey.  He grinned in return.

"I, for one," RJ was saying, "look forward to trying the Amazon Experiment.  And I think a party is just what we need."

"You always think a party is just what we need," Dom put in.

"And he's usually right," Lily said, which was exactly the mistake Casey had been trying very hard not to make.

"Anyone for pizza?"  Jarrod's voice carried easily up the stairs, even as Lily rolled her eyes at herself and did not in any way cringe.

"Sorry," she told RJ, looking more amused than embarrassed.  "I'll work on that."

"Yes!" Fran called, already moving away from the group.  "I mean, yes please!  I'm coming down!  I'll be right there!"

"Just let him come up," Dom said, but she was already gone.

"Technically," RJ was telling Lily, "I've only said 'a party is just what we need' once as a... woman.  So saying 'he's usually right' is probably more appropriate."

"Unless you're right this time, too," Casey put in.  "In which case we could say 'she's always right.'"

"Hmm."  RJ tilted her head.  "I like the sound of that."

"Well, you have to," Fran's voice was saying, already coming back up the stairs.  "Or who will eat the last piece of pizza?  We shouldn't let it go to waste."

"Yeah, and who's going to cook the next one?" Jarrod's voice replied.  Protesting or not, he was right behind her.

"Oh, please," Fran said, bouncing up onto the landing and leading the way across it.  "I've met you.  I've seen you attack pizza; it will take you two bites and two seconds."

Jarrod didn't answer.  He was carrying the pizza, scanning the group on the floor as he and Fran came down to join them.  Casey saw his gaze skip right over RJ before coming back, with a raised eyebrow and nothing more.  Casey hadn't really known Jarrod before Dai Shi, but it sounded like the dragon had--ironically--taught Jarrod some restraint.

"I heard," Jarrod said, apparently addressing RJ.  "Fran talks fast."

"Yes, well."  Fran folded her arms, lifting one hand to adjust her glasses.  "You're welcome."

"Thank you," RJ said quietly.

Jarrod shrugged, as though RJ had been talking to him.  "You'll have to retrain, you know.  On everything."

Casey supposed that counted as acceptance from Jarrod.

"Yes," RJ said.  "That's... not really my biggest my concern."

There was a longer than normal pause, and it wasn't until Jarrod looked at him that Casey realized RJ must have done it first.  Glancing over at RJ, he found her looking back, and for maybe the first time he saw RJ first and a woman second.  "What?" he said.  "Me?  I'm cool."

It was an automatic reaction, and he knew RJ could tell.  He hadn't thought about it--or he had, exhaustively, but he hadn't come to any actual conclusions yet.  What was he supposed to do with an RJ that... wasn't?

"You're gay," RJ said, gently but clearly.  "I understand that.  And I've... tried to figure it out, how to--to do this without you.  But I can't."

Casey spent half a second wishing RJ hadn't said that in front of Jimmy.  Then he spent longer being surprised RJ had said it at all.  When was the last time RJ had said anything about wanting Casey around without being asked first?

"We're going to get to work planning the party," Lily said, reaching out to relieve Jarrod of the pizza board.  "Right, Frannie?  Dom, do you want to help us?"

"I have to actually work," Jarrod said, eyeing her.  "So does Fran."

"Oh, we'll come downstairs," Lily assured him.

"So," Theo said to Jimmy.  "Need a ride anywhere?"

Casey looked down, but it couldn't in any way hide his smile.  "Guys," he said.  "You don't have to do that."

"But if you're going to," RJ added, making an abortive motion in Lily's direction, "could we have our pizza first?"

"Help yourself," Lily said.  She offered the pizza, and Casey leaned around RJ to take his piece at the same time.

It wasn't quite right, being that close, and his brain couldn't stop cataloguing everything that was off: too short, too awkward, too... shapeless.  Maybe it was the clothes, or the curves, or something.  He felt like RJ might be in there, but he couldn't quite see him.

"Have you eaten anything?" Fran asked suddenly, watching RJ with narrowed eyes.

RJ stopped with a piece of pizza halfway to her mouth.  She hadn't taken a single bite, and already Fran knew what Casey had forgotten.  "No?" RJ said carefully.  "Not yet?"

"We are going to make you another pizza," Fran declared.  "And some breadsticks.  And a salad.  We'll send them up in a few minutes.  Oh, and also, if you want anything we wouldn't think of for your party, which would be hard since I think we think of pretty much everything, but if you do you should let us know because I'm going to send Lily to get things before her date with Theo.  Everyone opens late on Sunday, you know.  Not that I blame them, but it does it make it hard for those of us trying to cook for parties--"

"Breathe, Fran," RJ said gently.

"And walk," Lily said, handing her the pizza before she took her by the shoulders and turned her around.  "I need a shopping list.  Let's go."

Jimmy lifted a hand, giving Casey a half-hearted wave.  "I'll, uh, see you on Monday?"

"Yeah, you bet," Casey told him.  If Jimmy was still interested in Pai Zhua after this, Casey would have to start letting him train at the loft when the community center was closed.  "I better not be able to knock you out of that kick by then."

He got as much of a grin as a kind of cool, moderately tortured teen was willing to give.  "You can try," Jimmy said.

Theo, of all people, gave Casey a smirk, and Casey suddenly wondered if Theo was going to get out of party planning by offering to "tutor" Jimmy.  He decided he probably didn't want to know.  Maybe Lily would keep them from getting carried away.

Maybe Lily would help them.

The quiet grew as the loft emptied out, conversation following the crowd and not reviving in its absence.  Casey just stared after them for a long moment, wondering if he was supposed to say something.  He decided he probably was.

"Well," he offered, folding his arms absently.  "That could have gone worse."

When RJ didn't answer, Casey glanced over and his arms fell.  He took a step closer, too close for anyone except someone with no personal space whatsoever, and that was RJ.  Wide eyes and a white face, telltale effort to breathe normally making it too deep and too deliberate--she looked like she needed crowding.

"RJ?" he said carefully.  "You okay?"

"I can't do that again."  The words were unequivocal.  RJ didn't move, didn't take her eyes off of the landing--the stairs where the others had disappeared.  "I can't.  This was a mistake."

"You don't have to," Casey said.  "You don't have to do it again.  It's over.  They're fine.  Everything's fine, RJ."

"It isn't over."  RJ was staring straight ahead, seeing something Casey couldn't.  "This isn't a minor imbalance, or a spell, or... something that can be fought.  I don't get to defeat the enemy and take home my prize.  I'm stuck like this: me, but not me.  Everyone I meet... I have to tell them, or I have to lie.  What kind of choice is that?"

"Okay," Casey said.  He put a hand on her shoulder, which was... weird, but she didn't shrug it off.  "You know the deal.  Only one of us is allowed to freak out at once, so I guess if it's you now, I have to stop."

When this prompted no reaction, he decided not to tell her she could have just asked.  "You're still you," he said, taking RJ's other shoulder and turning her away from the landing.  "You still have us.  The beginning is the hardest part; that's what you always say.  But it's only the beginning at first.  Then it's the middle.  Things get easier."

RJ's lips twitched, and her eyes refocused.  Reluctant, maybe, but she looked at him, and the fact that he was taller now was inescapable.  It was only an inch or two, but it made a difference.  "I'm relatively certain," RJ was saying, "that I never said that."

"No, of course not," Casey agreed.  "You said something smart and insightful.  That's just what I got out of it.  And it helps, every time I remember it.  So."

Now she definitely smiled, but she didn't sound any better when she said softly, "I wish I was back there again.  I didn't know anyone.  It didn't matter."

That was the easiest confession he'd ever gotten out of RJ, and possibly the most disturbing.  "It mattered to us," he said, squeezing her shoulders in a futile effort to hold on.  To keep wherever she was going in her mind away.  "We wanted you back, RJ.  We'll always want you back."

"But... you didn't get me back."

"Did you come back?" Casey demanded.

RJ searched his expression.  "Not... the way you remember me?"

"Did you come back," Casey repeated.  "Yes or no."

"Yes," she said.

"Then we got you back."  Hugging her was weird all over again, but she wrapped her arms around him and held on hard, just the way RJ always did: like there was nothing more important in the world.  RJ was like an octopus when he set his sights on someone, and apparently turning into a woman hadn't changed that.

She didn't let go, so Casey didn't let go.  He had no idea how long they'd been standing there when he finally realized what was happening.  She was offering him an out.  The way RJ did... the way RJ always had.  The default assumption was that Casey had somewhere better to be, something better to do, and he was only hanging around as long as RJ made it worth his while.

"RJ," Casey whispered, turning his head a little.  "I'm not leaving.  I can't promise it'll be the way it was before, but I'm not going anywhere.  Okay?"

Oddly, there was no answer.

Casey waited, resting his head against RJ's for a minute.  Shorter.  Just enough that the angle of head tilt required was more comfortable than contrived.  Strange.  He thought he understood, better at least, why Lily did this to Theo all the time.

"I won't keep you in a relationship you can't..."  RJ's voice was neutral, carefully so, and the pause before the last word was more telling than the word itself.  "Enjoy."

Casey was pretty sure he could have sex with a woman if he had to.  The whole enjoyment factor was another thing entirely, and right now, it wasn't his highest priority.  "We're not there yet," he muttered.  "Can we stick with the beginning to middle transition for a while?"

He felt RJ nod, took that as a yes, and eased his arms up a little.  "How about sitting down?  Best way to beat a freak out, right?  Hide on the couch until it goes away."

This time RJ's voice was muffled.  "I find a certain logic in that."

Normally he would have let RJ sit down first, but right now he didn't think their usual plan was the best one.  So he sat as far back into the corner as he could, bracing his feet on the cushions and pulling her down between his legs.  It wasn't so much sitting on the couch as it was making RJ lie on top of him, but he was propped up and RJ curled into his chest until her face was completely hidden and didn't say a word.

Casey had a terrible suspicion, after a few minutes, that she might actually be crying.  But if that was true, then it was very quiet, and really, who wasn't allowed to cry when they lost their body?  She'd just beaten him to it.

Neither of them had moved by the time Lily tiptoed up the stairs a while later.  Catching his eye, she pointed to the big restaurant tray.  He held up one hand, stroking RJ's hair with the other.  "Hey," he said quietly.  "You want to eat?"

Somewhat to his surprise, he heard RJ murmur, "If it means moving?  Not really.  But practically speaking, yes, I think that would be best."  The voice sounded clear and even.  No hint of tears.  She didn't sit up, though, so Casey just waved for Lily to come down and smiled at her exaggerated quiet on the wood floor.

"Thanks, Lil," he said, when she was close enough to hear without raising his voice.  "Tell everyone else, too.  Especially Fran and Jarrod."  And not just for the pizza.

"I will," she promised.  "Let us know if there's anything else, okay?  We're just downstairs.  Driving Jarrod crazy."

Jarrod had run a lot of interference for him today.  He'd have to remember to thank him, eventually.  "Be nice to him," Casey said aloud.  "He was a dragon, you know."

"People change," Lily reminded him.  In a pleasant, Lily kind of way, that seemed to say nothing and everything all at once.

"Yeah, well."  Casey glanced down at the top of RJ's head.  So much to do, to learn, to be, and no real place to start with any of it.  "That lion of his isn't anything to mess with, either."

2. Amazon Welcome

The really irritating part was that the weekend got weirder from there.  Casey had to attend a community center open house that night to represent the KFA, and when he came home he found RJ asleep on the couch.  Not in the chair, which might have been understandable, and definitely not in bed, which apparently would have made too much sense.

"RJ," he said, putting a hand on her shoulder.  The blanket was pulled up to her chin, and she still had on that poncho underneath it.  He didn't know how she wasn't overheating.  "Time to go to bed."

Blue eyes opened, blinking quickly at him in the bright light of the loft.  The gentle, genuine smile made him feel strange, but it was worse when the expression froze--he could see the exact moment she remembered.  He had no idea what to do, where to go with that.

"Hey," Casey said quietly.  "What are you doing sleeping out here?"

He'd expected some story about... something.  He didn't expect RJ to murmur, "I thought you'd want the bed."

Casey just stared for a moment.  "I have a hammock," he said at last.  "Go to bed, RJ.  You don't have to punish yourself for something that isn't your fault."

She didn't move, looking back at him with an unfathomable expression.  "What if it is?"

"It isn't," Casey said.  "Come on."  He pushed the blanket back and ran his fingers down a poncho-covered arm, curling them in hers when he reached her hand.  "Up."

"But what if it were?"  RJ didn't pull away, but there was no actual sitting up action.  "What if I caused this, somehow?  What if I wanted it?"

"Still can't sleep on the couch for the rest of your life," Casey told her.

Those fingers curled around his.  "You're very accommodating," RJ murmured, slowly becoming... more upright.

Casey didn't pretend to misunderstand.  "You are aware that I'm in love with you," he said.  "Right?  That gets you a certain amount of accommodation."

RJ smiled, quick and true.  "The feeling is most definitely mutual."

"Good."  He stepped back and RJ followed, coming to her feet smoothly.  Casey studied her for a moment.  "Is your balance weird?  Different center of gravity?"

Her smile faded but didn't disappear altogether.  "I've... had a couple of weeks to get used to it."

"It happened before you decided to stay," Casey said, looking for confirmation of what he'd already guessed.  "That's why you didn't come back."

RJ frowned, staring off into space.  "Given more time and sufficient motivation, I... thought I could fix it."

"Give up?" Casey asked.

"No," RJ said, gaze wandering across the floor.  Coming to rest on their joined hands.  "I just missed you."

"The flight must have sucked," Casey said, even as she looked up.  "Wondering what we'd think the whole time."

Their eyes met, and he had a fleeting impression of just how much RJ didn't think he wanted to know.  "Yes," she said simply.

He lifted a hand to her face, tentative and trying not to show it.  "I think you're pretty," Casey said.  "If you did it on purpose, maybe a little warning next time?  Other than that... it's not so bad."

"It wasn't on purpose," RJ murmured.

"Well, that's Pai Zhua for you," Casey said, smiling a little.  "These things happen."

He pulled RJ into a hug when she smiled back.  It was the only thing he knew to do, and the situation seemed to call for something more than just standing there and staring.  He walked her to their room, feeling awkward and ridiculous when he hesitated in the doorway and RJ just walked in, not seeming to expect anything more of him than that.

Casey leaned against the doorframe, watching as she ducked under the dome and crawled into bed.  Their bed.  RJ had bought a new super airbed when Casey complained that the previous arrangement, involving one air mattress piled on top of another, was a sleeping hazard.  What he'd meant was that it was a sex hazard.  The air mattresses weren't totally stable and had a tendency to slide off of each other at inconvenient moments.

So they had a bed that was theirs, now, instead of him just sharing RJ's.  And he wasn't planning to sleep in it.  RJ obviously knew that, given the couch incident, but he didn't think sleeping in the same room was that weird.  He wasn't going to bed right away anyway; he'd slept most of the morning and he didn't have jet lag on top of it.  RJ would be asleep by the time Casey came back.

Or she would have been, if Casey hadn't fallen asleep in the chair in front of the TV, still watching the sci fi channel at three in the morning.  Worst movie ever, but at least he didn't have to think about it.

Voices woke him up hours later.  Someone up on the landing.  Camille, of course; her voice carried like nothing else and she had no concept of how to whisper.  And one of Camille's--

Not a friend of Camille's, he realized, careful not to move.  Someone had thrown the blanket from the couch over him while he was sleeping, and he was staring at the wall.  The TV was off.  And that had to be RJ up there on the landing, arguing with Camille over... his poncho?  Her poncho?

Were they really talking about clothes, or did Casey just assume that anything girls were that passionate about this early in the morning would have to do with clothing?

Okay, the conversation now officially involved alpacas, and he was trying not to smile as RJ defended her poncho.  Camille informed her, in no uncertain terms, that even as a man the shapeless wool would be unflattering.  As a woman, according to her, it didn't actually count as clothing, but actually looked more like someone had wrapped the bedcovers around herself when she got up.

Casey expected a detailed explanation of native culture to follow this observation.  RJ had been very enthusiastic, via e-mail, about tribal custom and traditional patterns.  Casey was frankly surprised that only one poncho had come back with him.  Her.

Instead, RJ's voice dropped even further, and Casey could barely hear the words drifting across the loft.  "This isn't how anyone is used to seeing me.  I'm only trying to... soften the shock."

Casey stared at the wall in front of him as Camille declared, "Well, you failed.  You were always effeminate, RJ; there's no reason to change now."

There was a long moment of silence, and then, "You'll forgive me if I don't take advice from someone who wore a leather harness and peacock feathers."

Casey smiled involuntarily, but Camille wasn't deterred.  "So find someone who has a look Casey likes and dress like her.  Clearly you can't pick your own clothes to save your life."

A look Casey likes.  He half-expected RJ to protest this, in principle if nothing else.  But she didn't, and maybe he'd half-expected that too.

"Not Fran," Camille's voice added, no quieter than it had been before.

RJ sounded curious when she inquired, "If I don't trust your advice when it comes to clothes, why do you think I trust your advice when it comes to who to ask about clothes?"

"Because I'm not basing it on her clothes."  Camille's tone added obviously, you idiot, without her having to say the words.  "I'm basing it on my observation of Casey's reaction to her clothes."

Casey frowned at the wall.  He was sure he'd never said anything about Fran's clothes.

"Which is?" RJ asked after a moment.

"Casey frequently expresses appreciation for Lily's appearance," Camille said.  "'Looking good,' or 'sweet,' or some equally imprecise term that indicates he's noticed without being overly interested.  He never says those things to Fran."

Casey blinked.

When there was no audible response, he considered getting up.  Someone clearly had to counteract Camille's influence.  He was too awake to go back to sleep anyway.  This was when he was used to getting up.  He would just stay where he was for a few more minutes, and give Camille and RJ a chance to move on.  To whatever.

The loft was quiet when he opened his eyes again, and at first he thought it really was just a few minutes later.  But the light was different, even through the loft's frosted windows, and when he worked his watch out from under the blanket it was after ten.  He sat up, the chair creaking as it shifted with him.

The landing was empty.  There was no one in the loft at all, as far as he could tell.  He glanced at the TV, then down at the blanket.  Someone had rescued the volume remote, too, setting it carefully on the folding table beside him.

Okay.  It was Sunday.  RJ was back, RJ was a girl, and... and what?  What was he supposed to do with that?  RJ hadn't asked for anything, except maybe "accommodation," and Casey couldn't think of anything to do.  Which left him in the awkward position of suddenly having a girlfriend on an otherwise perfectly normal day.

A day off.  Which he usually spent with his boyfriend.

Casey sighed, but he didn't really have a choice.  Unless he was planning to sleep all day, he would have to get up eventually.  So he folded up the blanket, took a shower, got dressed, and determined that the loft was in fact empty save for him.  He could hear controlled chaos from downstairs that indicated the kitchen was definitely not empty, so he replaced the grocery list on the refrigerator with a note about where he'd gone and went out the back way.

Still empty when he got back.  He put away the groceries and sorted out his laundry.  RJ hadn't unpacked yet, though she'd at least dragged the pack into their room and shoved it out of the way, so Casey took everything washable out of it and threw it in with his stuff.  He was betting laundry hadn't been a high priority on vacation.

He walked up the boardwalk while the machines were going.  It was sunny and warm for February, and there were people everywhere.  It was oddly relaxing.  Maybe it was just the reminder of the city, where he'd finally found people willing to accept him for who he was... or maybe it was seeing all those lives that went on.  Regardless of the current sex of Casey's boyfriend.

He was smiling by the time he made it back to the laundromat.  RJ was strange, no doubt about it.  But he'd known that going in.  What did he expect, anyway?  That the surprises would stop just because he'd gotten to know RJ a little better?

After he'd moved everything that could be dried into the dryer, Casey pulled out his cell and sat down.  PS, he typed.  Pretty sure this is why I fell in love w/u to start.

He waited, even though he didn't have any reason to think RJ was doing something that could be instantly interrupted for random texts.  But sure enough, the screen lit up a moment later: Because you secretly wanted a woman?

Casey laughed, ignoring the sideways glances he drew, sitting there in a plastic laundromat chair laughing at nothing.  Cuz u always surprise me, u make me think, he sent back.

Well, RJ replied a moment later, it may be hard to top this one.  Don't hold your breath for your birthday, I'm afraid.

He smiled.  Will be sure to ask for something specific.  Maybe a purple crayon.

<3 was the only reply.  RJ loved Harold and the Purple Crayon.

It was the middle of the afternoon before Casey got back to the loft.  He hung up the things that couldn't go in the dryer and put the rest of their stuff away--only realizing as he did so how many of RJ's things might not even fit her now.  Why hadn't he thought about that before?  She was only slightly shorter, but she was also...

RJ didn't wear many clothes with room to spare.  Or at least, he hadn't before the poncho-and-sweatpants outfit, and it was only now occurring to Casey that those might be the only things in his wardrobe forgiving enough for a suddenly female figure.  He wished he'd realized RJ was wearing them out of necessity rather than personal choice.

He hated to admit it, even now, but Camille had probably been right about new clothes.

...Was RJ shopping?  Was that why she'd disappeared without explanation?

A terrible thought occurred to him, and he pulled out his phone again.  S'up, he typed, then he hit "send" and scrolled through the phonebook for Lily's number.

She answered almost immediately.  Coffee w RJ.  U?

Laundry, he answered truthfully.  All ok w/u guys?

He put the phone down while he finished putting his clothes away.  Some of his stuff probably wouldn't fit RJ either, but at least she'd have a better chance with his shirts.  Not that red was really RJ's color.

The screen on his phone lit up.  Im telling RJ ur checking up on her, Lily reported.  She wants 2 no if u got groceries.

Yeah, he wrote back.  And I'm not.  Just wanted to know how LATE u will be to the party.

Not, Lily texted back.  It was up to him to decide whether this meant "not at all late" or "that's so not what you were doing."  He chose to believe the former.

Casey tried not to think about what it meant that RJ had probably spent most of the day shopping with Lily, not drinking coffee with her.  Or tea.  Lily would have coffee.  RJ would have tea.  And Casey really hoped he wasn't supposed to be happy if RJ walked into the loft wearing a sparkly purple butterfly t-shirt.

In order to have something to pretend to be busy with if this did, in fact, occur, Casey went down to the restaurant and asked if there was anything he could do to help.  Jarrod would have said no, because it was his day off.  But Fran was in the kitchen today, and she said no, absolutely not, because it was his day off, and if he could just pull those pizzas out of the oven it would be great.  And Marcus really needed someone to help with the decorations, since Casey was tall enough... and if he could just make sure table two was clean on his way out?

He almost missed RJ's and Lily's entrance.  In fairness, he hadn't expected them to come in the front door.  He heard the door, but he was facing away from it, one hand on the counter to hold down balloons that were only half-tied and the other propping up a corner of the menu board for Marcus.  The general commotion on the floor intensified, but at JKP that could mean anything from new napkin notes to the sprinklers going off, so he ignored it.

Until someone ducked under his arm, put her hand over his on the menu board, and frowned up at Marcus.  "I believe this board is removable for a reason."

Marcus, who had insisted he could fix the header without taking the board down, looked down from the chair he was standing on to raise his eyebrows at RJ.  "How would that challenge my artistic balance?"

RJ's expression conceded the point, and Casey grinned as he let go of the board and tugged fondly on her sweatshirt strings.  Must not have been shopping after all.  No bags.  And he was sure he'd seen that grey sweatshirt before.  "Hi," he said.  "Thanks."

"Of course," RJ said, waving around the restaurant with her free hand.  "I see preparations are well underway."

"Are you kidding?"  Casey used his elbow to hold down the balloon ribbons while he finished tying string to the corner of the cash register.  "Fran got here two hours early.  Where have you been?  All your clothes are clean, by the way.  I grabbed everything from your backpack."

"Ah," RJ said.  "Yes.  Thank you."

Something about the way she said it made Casey look up, and he saw it all at once.  The lavender square neck peeking through the half-zipped sweatshirt didn't belong to a t-shirt.  The sweatshirt itself didn't go past her waist, and the denim khakis fit as well as RJ's ever did.

Her clothes were the right size.  Or rather, her clothes were... girls' clothes.

"Your old clothes," Casey amended, still surprised.  By how not surprised he was.  "You did go shopping."

RJ didn't miss the emphasis, and it got him a curious look.

Before he could figure out how to explain that, Lily had bounded back out of the kitchen with the rest of the balloons and was demanding string and scissors.  Casey waved her in the right direction, took the opportunity to survey the floor, and was even more surprised to find out they were drawing no more attention than anyone with balloons could expect to receive.  Which was to say, every time the balloons moved, someone looked at them, but no one was staring.  No one was whispering.

He wasn't totally sure any of them had even noticed, if it came to that.

"Done," Marcus announced.  He resettled the menu board when RJ let go, capping the last marker and stepping backward off of the chair.  "How's my hoatzin?"

The board now read "AN AMAZON WELCOME" and was decorated with a wolf to the left and a small crested bird on the right.  RJ considered it, neck craned, head tilted to one side.  "Remarkably accurate, actually.  I'm impressed."

"You're welcome," Marcus said.  "If you don't stop me, it's gonna be on all the other boards too."

"Consider yourself..."  RJ gestured freely.  "Unstopped."

She turned back to Casey while Marcus pushed the chair along the wall, and he knew some reaction was expected.  "You look like you," he blurted out.  When he figured that didn't make any sense, he added, "I heard you talking to Camille this morning."

RJ frowned slightly.  "I thought we might have woken you up.  Sorry about that."

"No, it's cool.  I mean, I wasn't trying to eavesdrop, but--"  Casey didn't know how to make it sound like he'd meant it to.  "She's not like that with me.  She doesn't give me advice."

"She doesn't think you'll listen," RJ said simply.  Giving him a stern look that he didn't at first understand, she added, "Also, my intent was not to trade you for the couch."

Casey blinked, but then he got it.  "Oh, I fell asleep," he said.  At RJ's skeptical look, he insisted, "Really!  I was watching some movie--thanks for turning it off, by the way.  I didn't even hear you until Camille came out."

RJ looked surprised.  "The TV was off when I got up."

"So..."  Casey tried to remember, but he was sure he'd been holding the remote before he fell asleep.  "The blanket wasn't you, either?"

RJ seemed to relax, almost imperceptibly, and it became more clear why she hadn't believed him.  "It must have been Jarrod," she mused.  "He was up before either of us.  He left breakfast for Camille."

Casey snorted.  "I don't understand why a former super villain can't feed herself.  She survived a long time before she moved in over the best pizza place there is--what was she eating before?"

"Bugs, apparently."  RJ said this with the sort of straight face that made Casey wonder if she was telling the truth.  "I'm relatively sure, however, that her advice when it comes to clothes was sound."

"You look exactly the same," Casey said.  "What do you need Camille's advice for?"

"It's actually not that easy to look--"  RJ held up her hands and mimicked Casey.  "'Exactly the same.'  Lily's help in navigating the perils of women's fashion can't be overestimated."

He couldn't help smiling at that.  "Well, I'll have to remember to thank her, then."

Hands still in the air, RJ turned them over as if to invite comment.  "So... what do you think?"

Casey folded his arms, trying not to let his smile widen.  "You never wanted to know what I thought before," he pointed out.

"Of course I did," RJ told him.  "I just never had such a good excuse for asking."

It was such a perfectly RJ thing to say that Casey didn't even know why he questioned it.  "You cared what I thought about your clothes?"

RJ looked amused.  "You think I lounged around the loft in dockers and tight shirts before you?"

Casey opened his mouth, then--for once--thought before he spoke.  Eyeing RJ suspiciously, he asked, "Is that a trick question?"

"Coming through," Lily announced, sliding between them with another armful of balloons.  "Hey, RJ, are you supposed to see us decorating for your party?  Doesn't that take away some of the surprise?"

"Oh, is it supposed to be a surprise?"  RJ looked more surprised by this news than she could have been by the party itself, since she had been the one to okay it.  "In that case, I believe it does.  I'll leave you to it."

"Hey," Casey said, before she could turn away.  "RJ.  I think you look hot.  Like always.  And Lil--"  He caught her, too, just short of balloons blocking the doorway as Fran hurried out.  "RJ says you were a big help, so.  Thanks."

"Anytime," Lily promised, beaming at RJ.  "You've totally got it down, but call me whenever you want.  Trust me, you're way more fun to shop with than Gabby."

"But not more fun than me," Fran interrupted.  "Maybe as fun.  Hey, we should all go together sometime!  Right now, though, I think anyone who's not actively working or decorating needs to get out of the way, because no offense but this is ridiculous.  If one more person comes through the door we won't be able to move, which would be fine if we didn't need to, but we kind of do."

"I'm going--"  RJ pointed behind her, and then used the other hand to indicate the opposite direction.  "Upstairs.  At Lily's request.  Let me know if you need anything."

"I'll go with you," Casey said.  "I want to ask you something.  It'll just take a second," he added, for Fran's and Lily's benefit.

"I think we've got it covered," Lily assured him.  "Keep RJ busy until the appointed time and we'll call it even."

Which was how he found himself alone in the loft with RJ, no reason or excuse to leave, and no way to really ask the question he'd been keeping to himself since the night before.  So instead he remarked, "Apparently you work as either a man or a woman."

RJ paused, one hand brushing lightly over the kitchen table as she turned.  "Why do you say that?"

"No one in the restaurant even noticed," Casey said, hitching a hip up on the arm of the landing couch.  "Maybe you pass when you look like you."

RJ smiled, oddly wistful.  "Casey... everyone noticed."

"No one said anything," he pointed out.

"I know approximately 94 percent of the clientele currently on the floor," RJ said.  "There are three new customers, including one person I've seen around town but never here at JKP.  Everyone else I've had at least one conversation with in the past three months.  And it doesn't strike you as odd that none of them even said hello?"

Casey opened his mouth, but found he had nothing to say.  He frowned.

"I was gone for three weeks," RJ said quietly.  "It's entirely possible that many of them believe the Amazon trip was some sort of... front."

He folded his arms.  He knew it was a defensive gesture, and he knew too that RJ would probably see it in his posture whether he did it or not.  "You didn't ask for this," he muttered.

"Would it matter if I had?" RJ said.  "Gender identity is a fluid thing.  Why shouldn't our physical expression of it be as well?"

Casey felt a smile trying to creep onto his face, and he just shook his head.  "I meant, if you'd chosen it, you'd have had time to psych yourself up.  This is like... 'Surprise!  Good luck explaining something you've never even thought about before.'"

"Ah."  RJ tilted her head.  "Yes.  Well.  I'm thinking about it now?"

"Sorry you didn't get any time to figure it out," Casey offered.  "You really jumped in the deep end with this whole public party thing."

"Indeed."  RJ seemed to consider this.  "On the other hand, jumping into the shallow end sounds somewhat... painful."

"Wading," Casey said, amused.  "You wade into the shallow end."

"Which takes much longer," RJ pointed out.  "If the beginning is, as you said, the hardest part, I think I'd prefer to get it over with as soon as possible."

"Okay."  Casey tried not to make it obvious he was bracing himself, because that was probably as good an opening as he was going to get.  "So.  I have a question."

"So you said," RJ agreed.  "Does it involve your sudden reluctance to do more than hug me?"

"Yeah," Casey admitted.  He didn't know why he'd thought she wouldn't guess.

"Good."  RJ nodded once, but the decisive gesture didn't cover her obvious relief.  "Because I don't want to push you, but I was hoping we could... talk about that."

"What's okay?" Casey asked bluntly.  "I don't--I don't even know if it's okay to kiss you.  Is it okay to kiss you?  Is it weird, or... I don't know, is it weird to even ask?"

RJ hesitated, and Casey knew he'd asked one question too many when she was sidetracked by the last and least important.  "I suppose it's... unusual," RJ said after a moment.  "I think we used to be at a point where it was always welcome.  No confirmation required."

"But we're not now," Casey said.  He was guessing, checking, trying to figure out what RJ thought without having to ask again.

"No?"  RJ sounded so uncertain that Casey gave up.

"I'm not telling you," he said.  "I'm asking you.  Is it okay to kiss you.  That's what I'm trying to find out."

"Casey, you're not the one who's different."  RJ looked torn between sympathy and frustration.  It was an expression only RJ could pull off and, in some ways, a reminder of how little had changed.  "You're exactly the same to me.  All I want--"

She broke off, and Casey got ready to jump in.  This was usually the part where RJ got stuck: the "I want" part... the part where it was supposed to be true instead of just clever.  Casey was learning, through trial and error, which questions to ask to keep the conversation going.

This time, though, RJ continued without prompting.  "All I've wanted since I left was to come back," she said with a sigh.  "To you.  And believe me, that really puts a crimp in the whole wanderlust thing.  But I missed you.  Before the plane even took off, I missed you.  And now I feel like, even though I'm back, I'm not really... back.  If you know what I mean."

"You are," Casey insisted, straightening up.  He made his way over to the kitchen table, where she had one hand on the back of a chair like it would keep her from flitting away.  "We've been through this.  You're still you."

RJ actually rolled her eyes.  It was funny and cute and it made him laugh, unexpectedly.  RJ so rarely did it at someone else's expense: the eye roll was usually reserved for personal exasperation, some failure to communicate or apologize or... something.  He couldn't tell if this time it was for him or her, and it didn't really matter.

Caught with her mouth open and free hand upraised, RJ tilted her head and regarded him curiously.  Interrupted before she'd even begun, she asked, "What?"

"Nothing," Casey said, grinning.  "I mean, you.  Me.  Okay, it was a stupid thing to say.  Obviously you're you, and you being all like--"  He rolled his eyes, then added, "It was just funny.  Sorry."

RJ smiled a little, but she shook her head.  "I was going to say I'm not.  Not me.  Insofar as part of who I am is your... partner, I feel like I'm... not.  Now."

"I feel like you are," Casey countered.  "You'll have to do a lot more than that to get rid of me.  It's just... I mean, just because I've never had a girlfriend doesn't mean it's totally impossible, right?  I just--haven't gotten there yet.  In my head."

"Can I help your head at all?"  RJ said quietly.

You could go back to being my boyfriend, Casey thought, unbidden.

"You could answer the question," he offered.  He could only hope RJ hadn't suddenly learned to read minds, too.  And that she remembered what they were talking about.  Because he couldn't just do it, no matter what she'd implied.

With typical and phenomenal patience, RJ replied, "Yes."  If the words were a little clearer than usual, well, that was fair.  "It's okay to kiss me."

So Casey stepped closer, laid a hand on her arm, and stared at her face for a long moment.  There really wasn't anything there he hadn't seen before.  Even the uncertainty was familiar, and Casey wondered if he still knew how to kiss it away.

RJ didn't close her eyes.  As Casey leaned in she stood perfectly still, and for all his thinking about it, the brush of lips was unexpectedly strange.  It was also oddly easy to accept.  Like kissing RJ after pizza, or chapstick, or when taken by surpise--it only required a slight adjustment.  So Casey tried again.

Kissing someone shorter was different, no matter how minimal the difference was.  Putting a hand on her hip wasn't as much of a shock as it could have been, given that he'd been trying to get used to that feeling of fragility every time he hugged her.  RJ had been solid, and it was weird now; there just... wasn't as much of her.

But the real change was her mouth.  Casey had kissed girls, but he was used to kissing RJ, and he didn't expect it to be so--soft.  He couldn't tell where her lips ended and her mouth began, and when they parted under his he drew back, worried that he was too... that it was too hard.  It was almost laughable to think that he could hurt someone by kissing them, and yet...

RJ didn't move.  Eyes downcast, breathing through her mouth, she wouldn't look up even when Casey blurted out, "Sorry, you... you're fine, right?  Are you fine?"

"You don't have to apologize," RJ murmured.

Just like that, he heard them having two totally different conversations.  "I'm not having some sort of sexual identity crisis," he told her.  "I'm just worried about hurting you."

"That's ridiculous," RJ said, lifting her eyes.  They were as amused as his tone had been, and Casey couldn't help but smile.  "I'd be happy to knock you down if it would make you feel more comfortable."

"There was a time when I would have told you to try," Casey said, a little rueful.  "Now I like to think I know better."

"I'm not completely convinced," RJ said, and there was really only one way to prevent that train of thought from continuing to its logical conclusion.  It wasn't that he would necessarily mind being flat on his back, especially with RJ on top of him, but challenging RJ to get him there would make the first part of the experience less fun.

So Casey kissed her instead, his thumb running over her chin and his fingers splayed across her cheek to give him some context for this new mouth.  It yielded strangely under his, and her skin was just as soft: no unshaven prickle or rough edge of the jaw.  Her face was warm and friendly to the touch, neck smooth under his hand.

He really didn't know what to make of it.  It wasn't bad.  It was just... fine.  It was RJ, and she was pretty, and she felt nice, and he was glad.  It didn't creep him out or anything.

It didn't turn him on, either.

He felt RJ's fingers, loose in the hem of his shirt, and he smiled into the kiss.  "I'm not going to freak if you touch me," he murmured, kissing her again.  "I'm not heterophobic or anything."

Her breath of laughter made his smile widen, and Casey had to pull away.  RJ's other hand found his shirt too, settling comfortably at his waist, and they just stood there smiling at each other for a moment.  Blue eyes, fond expression, hair still just the length to look disheveled no matter what she did.

"You really are pretty, you know," Casey said at last.  "I mean, you always were.  It's not like it changed."

RJ tilted her head, looking pleased.  "Thank you.  I like to think so."

It was Casey's turn to laugh.  "You seem comfortable," he said, lifting his other hand to her cheek and cupping her chin gently.  Fingers stroking her face, he let his thumb trail across her mouth and her lips parted several seconds before she spoke.

"I'm more comfortable now," RJ said quietly, "than I have been since this happened."

Gentle on her neck, Casey's hands slid down to her shoulders.  He squeezed lightly, and he tried to sound casual when he asked, "Are you going to tell me what it was, exactly?  That happened?"

"Yes," RJ said.  "As soon as I figure it out."

"It doesn't have to be encyclopedic," Casey told her, tracing the line of the sweatshirt from zipper to hood.  "Just a strange artifact or a magical ritual would be enough for me.  Can I see your shirt?"

Caught with her mouth open, RJ blinked.  "Yes?"

Casey smiled.  He tugged the zipper down, stopping to catch the top of the sweatshirt with his other hand when it pulled strangely.  Women's clothes weren't as sturdy as men's, apparently.  And somehow, that was what he noticed... not the shape of her chest or the curve of her hips.  Women were women, after all.  It wasn't anything he hadn't seen before.

RJ let go of him when he started fussing with the zipper, holding her hands out to the sides awkwardly.  She stared down at his fingers until the front of the sweatshirt came loose, and then she looked away.  That Casey noticed.  And, honestly, it made him feel like a jerk.

"Hey," Casey murmured, curling his fingers around the sides of the sweatshirt.  "I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable again.  I'm sorry."

"I could say the same of you," RJ mumbled, still not looking at him.

He wanted to say, It's okay.  He wanted to say, It isn't your fault.  He wanted to say, Don't do this, don't be the one who doesn't know, who doubts; I need you to be you right now... and I can't stand to see you upset.

"You're not," Casey said aloud.  Say what you wanted to be true, right?  "I really was curious about your shirt.  You didn't--"  He untangled his fingers from the sweatshirt and traced the skin just above the shirt's square neck.  "This is new."  He let his thumb trail over her collarbone, turning his hand over and ghosting the backs of his fingers across bare skin again.

One of RJ's hands made a half-hearted gesture, shoulder height, possibly indicating the shirt.  "Lily assures me that the neckline on women's shirts is typically much lower than men's."

"Oh, you made the unbuttoning thing work," Casey teased, pushing the sweatshirt back a little as he followed the collarbone on the other side.  "It just wasn't this... obvious.  I like it," he added, in case that wasn't clear.

RJ finally looked at him again.  "Lily said you would," she admitted.

"Okay," Casey said, "I need to tell you something about me and Lily and clothes.  Something that Camille probably doesn't know."

RJ tilted her head, and Casey ran his fingers up the side of her neck.

"Lily and I shared a room for almost a year."  He brushed RJ's hair back from her ear, smiling as it feathered back into place.  "I saw every piece of clothing she owns, usually multiple times before she picked a single outfit.  She's very, very familiar with my opinions."

Still playing with that hair, Casey added, "I admit I didn't expect her to be able to apply it to anyone else.  She was never much help when I wanted advice.  But I guess I should have kept asking."

RJ smiled a little.  "Would I be correct in guessing she has a similar opinion of your advice?"

"Hey, I was a big help," Casey informed him.  "Just because she didn't always appreciate it doesn't mean my advice wasn't awesome."

"Of course," RJ agreed, clearly amused now.

Casey buried his fingers in her hair and leaned in, averting any further commentary with a kiss.  He slid his other hand under her sweatshirt without thinking about it, soft fabric of her shirt wrinkling against his skin.  Since pulling RJ in had always depended solely on his willingness to be pulled, it wasn't any harder or easier than it had been before--and Casey made it happen.

He felt RJ draw in a sharp breath, chest pressing against his.  And that wasn't weird either, no more than hugging her had been, so he wrapped his arm around her waist and held on.  Casey wanted, more than kissing--more than anything--just to feel RJ there with him.  Just to keep that crazy, mutable spirit close.

As close as it could stay without losing everything that made it amazing.

"It wasn't a strange artifact," RJ murmured, when he rested his forehead against hers a moment later.  "I don't think."

Casey smiled, draping his other arm over her shoulders.  "No?"

"Well, it could have been," RJ said.  "An invisible one, I suppose.  Or one that was in disguise as a... non-strange artifact.  A spoon, for example.  Or a canteen."

"There is no spoon," Casey replied, kissing her temple.  "What about magical rituals?"

"Not that I recall," RJ said.  "It's... possible that the strangest thing about it was that it wasn't strange at all.  One minute I was me, and the next minute I was--a new me."

"Uh-huh."  He nosed her hair--same shampoo--and let his lips brush against her skin.  Again.  And again.  She tasted a little different, he thought.  He hadn't quite gotten to licking yet.  "You were just walking along, minding your own business, and suddenly you were a woman."

"Well, not walking exactly."  RJ drew in another breath, like she kept forgetting to do it until she absolutely had to.  "More of a swim."

"Breathe," Casey whispered, mouthing her earlobe.  "It's okay."

Then it occurred to him, and he drew back immediately.  "Sorry, am I--is that too much?  Do you want me to back off?"

"No," RJ said, but her voice sounded funny.  "No..."  Her hands were clasped loosely behind him, and he could feel them let go.  The right hand wormed its way between them, crawling up his chest while the other stayed where it was, holding him in place.  Casey smiled when RJ pressed hard against his heart.

"You're the same," RJ murmured.  "You're exactly the same, and it's... different.  I want you," she added, maybe trying to explain when he didn't answer.  "It feels different."

"Okay."  He didn't really know what to say to that.  "I guess... it would, right?"  Casey winced at his own awkwardness.  "I mean--I've heard that."

He heard RJ swallow.  "I shouldn't have said that?"

"Hey."  He slid his hands up her arms and held onto her shoulders.  "I want to know, okay?  You know that.  I always want to know."

"This is different," RJ said quietly.

"It isn't different," Casey told her.  "Not to me.  And even if it was, how am I supposed to get used to it if you don't say it?"

RJ pulled away, and he let her go because what else was he supposed to do?  "You don't have to get used to me," she said, strange-sounding and thoughtful and a little distant.  The way RJ sounded to everyone: focused on something else, maybe amused by something they didn't understand.

And Casey had no idea what to say.  Yes, I do, was obviously wrong.  No, you're right, was totally untrue.  "I... want to?" he offered uncertainly.

RJ didn't move.  He couldn't tell if that was good or bad.

"Look," Casey blurted out.  "I love your body, okay?  I mean, the--one you left here with.  But I'm in love with you.  Not what you look like.  You have to give me a chance to get used to this."

"What if it isn't just what I look like?"  Those same blue eyes settled on him, curious, detached.  "What if I'm a different person now?"  And that was so not fair, because he thought he'd done pretty well to come up with the first argument.  Now he had to have a second one all ready?

"Maybe I'm a different person," Casey said.  "Maybe when I... became a Power Ranger.  You helped me with that, remember?  I became more than I was before.  And I couldn't have done it without you."

"So..."  RJ held out one hand, pointing from it to someplace on the other side of him.  "Me being a woman is like you being the Red Ranger."

"Yeah," Casey said.  "I guess."

Unexpectedly, RJ smiled.  "Well.  I guess I can't argue with that."

"That's right," Casey agreed.  Because when you were ahead, the best plan was to capitalize on momentum.  "So let's throw out the whole going backwards thing, okay?  You want to kiss me, you kiss me.  Same for me."

RJ tilted her head.  "Then I'd pretty much be kissing you... all the time."

"That sounds about right," Casey said.  "We need more practice, anyway."

They got more practice, but he forgot to ask about the swimming until after Lily had yelled up the stairs for them.  There wasn't much of an opportunity after that.  Jarrod and Fran had set aside the zebra table for RJ as the guest of honor, and even if Casey was allowed to sit directly across from her the time for talking was definitely over.  Everyone was there.  Some of them were running the restaurant, so everyone wasn't actually at the table all the time, but all of them were definitely revolving through the open seats.

Fran brought out her pizza experiment, followed promptly by several more when RJ proclaimed it "delicious" and wanted to spread it around.  Dom broke the news that they had all gotten RJ presents, which wouldn't have been so bad if his gift hadn't been Midol and tampons.  RJ responded, with disturbing equanimity, that she'd thought chocolate was the treatment of choice.

Camille happened to be at the table then, and informed RJ that she'd just guessed her gift.  To Casey's surprise, this turned out to be true.  RJ made Dom get up so Camille could sit next to him instead.  She looked uncomfortable as she crammed into the booth with them, but she didn't refuse.

The rest of them were more gender-neutral in their gift-giving, except for Fran, who gave RJ a couple of butterfly barrettes.  "I know, I know," she said, when everyone looked at her--except for Casey, who was watching RJ.  Who looked more pleased than surprised.

"But you used to wear them around the restaurant," Fran was saying, "when you were growing your hair out, and then you stopped, and I thought, now you have kind of an excuse if you wanted to, so."

RJ reached up, brushed her hair back with one hand, and clipped a butterfly into it with the other.  Fran actually giggled when RJ gave her a quizzical look.  Sitting right next to Casey, she motioned for RJ to lean forward.  "No, you can't see them now, of course--here, let me--"

Fran magically made the clip look like it was supposed to be there.  "Give me the other one," she said.  "Do you want the other one in your hair, I mean?"

"I have complete confidence in your sense of style," RJ told her, and handed over the other butterfly.  Casey saw Camille very obviously roll her eyes, but Fran didn't pay any attention.

Casey passed over the purple pin he'd made at the community center next.  "RJ's chair," it said, in green lettering.  "It's for your chair," he added unnecessarily.

RJ beamed at him.  And when she leaned forward, silly butterfly barrettes and all, Casey met her kiss across the table without having to think about it.  It was instinctive, habitual... natural.  Lily and Fran both clapped for them, like they were some kind of movie, and--weirdly--that seemed to mark the beginning of the random well-wishing.

No one called it that, of course.  And it took Casey a while to get it.  But people started stopping by the table--not just their close friends, but some of their other friends, their casual friends, even a couple of people who were just acquaintances.  They all wandered by to say "hello," or "welcome back," or to inquire about new menu items.

No one said to RJ, "So, you're a woman now."  No one commented on it at all.  Not a single person, and Casey couldn't decide if that was discreet or just weird.  RJ was a different sex.  People had had more to say when he started wearing a new bandana.

Theo handled the serving of ice cream, and after almost an hour Camille finally asked about Flit.  Casey felt bad when he had to tell her they didn't know--he knew how hard she tried not to drive the man crazy, but when he was around she couldn't stop keeping track of him.  Casey didn't know if that was a result of Flit coming and going at random, or the cause of it.

It did seem a little strange that he had vanished the day RJ came back, but that was probably just bad timing.  Flit must not have noticed RJ's pack before he took off.  Some of his stuff was still on the porch, so Casey figured he'd be back soon.

"What about your dad?" Theo asked at one point.  "Have you talked to him at all?"

"No," RJ said, readily enough.  "It turns out that he doesn't answer calls I... don't make."

"Or e-mails you don't send," Casey added.

"Those less," RJ agreed.  "I'm sure he'll find out eventually."

"I think he'd probably like to hear it from you," Lily offered.

"I'm not so sure."  RJ looked down at the pin she was trying to spin like a top--and mostly succeeding.  "I think there are a lot of things my dad would rather not hear me say.  'I've had a sex change' is probably one of them."

"So you'd rather he heard it from someone else?" Theo asked.

"Frankly, yes."  RJ set the pin down and gave Theo a half-smile.  "That was excellent ice cream, Theo.  I applaud both the presentation and the content."

"Taught by the master," Theo replied, giving him a small salute.  He let the subject drop without a word of protest.  Even Lily was quiet about it for the rest of the evening.

So, naturally, Casey had to bring it up after they'd finished cleaning and gotten out of the way of Jarrod's latest attempt to teach Camille something about food preparation.  RJ hadn't had to help clean up, of course, but she'd insisted.  About as adamantly as she insisted they not talk about her father later.

"RJ," Casey said, trying not to sound as exasperated as he felt.  "There's going to be a masters' convention tomorrow.  And barring an 'Amazing Race' marathon, your dad will be there.  What do you want me to tell him?"

"Tell him whatever you like."  RJ had her back to him as she shimmied out of her shirt, and the bra underneath was white.  Casey smiled involuntarily.  Lily had once complained that they never made the "practical bras" in skin tones.

"He's going to ask about you," Casey said.

"And I'll probably ask you about him," RJ replied, fumbling the catch behind her back and not actually managing to unhook anything.  "If only to be polite."

Casey stood up, coming up behind her with a murmured, "Hey."  He put his hands on her bare shoulders, a gentle warning of his presence, and she stilled.  "Let me?"  He brushed his fingers against her back, just above the bra.

When RJ nodded, he unhooked it and nudged it forward on her shoulders.  When she didn't move, though, he was left with the awkward choice of either walking away or... undressing her.  He couldn't walk away.

"Should I be worried?" she asked, her tone light as he eased the straps forward.  She pulled her arms free obligingly, and he was careful not to look anywhere but at her face.  It was late and he was too tired to deal with the rest of it.

"It's easier when you can see what you're doing," he said, folding the bra into loose fourths and offering it to her.  "Do you even want me to say you're back?"

"He'll probably have heard as much."  RJ took it, set it on top of her shirt on the corner of the air mattress, and turned her back again.  "If he's still watching the restaurant like it's some kind of secret lair."

"It was a secret lair," Casey pointed out.  He touched the back of her head, combing his  fingers through her hair underneath the now messy barrettes.  She only turned her head a little, acknowledging it without saying anything, and he could take a hint.

Retreating to the hammock, Casey said, "So, no pajamas from this shopping trip?"  He was trying to let it go, trying to offer a way to move on... maybe even lighten the mood a little.  RJ and Lily had brought back bags, after all.  It turned out they had staged their front door entrance after they snuck in the back way--because it had "felt wrong," RJ said.

But those were old clothes RJ was changing into.  Very old ones, a worn out t-shirt and actual boxer shorts that Casey was almost positive RJ couldn't have worn since they'd known each other.  He tried not to look too closely.

"No," RJ said, and her voice was far away, somehow.  "No pajamas, I'm afraid."

Casey sighed, hopefully too quiet to be heard, and swung his legs into the hammock.  There wasn't any sound from the direction of the dome.  Finally he looked over, and there was RJ, still standing beside the bed with an odd expression on her face.  "I'm not trying to be difficult," she said abruptly, staring at the curtains covering the window.  "I think you'll find I'm just... tired."

"No problem," Casey told her.  "That's what sleeping is for.  It'll look better in the morning."

RJ nodded once.  The light went out a moment later, and he heard the air mattress rustle... not quite enough.  As though she hadn't actually laid down yet.

"What I meant," she said, the whisper drifting to him in the dark, "was that I'm tired, and... I wish you were holding me."

That was when he recognized the expression that had been on her face.  It was the same one that was in her voice now.  Loneliness.  Casey sat up abruptly.  He didn't know how he'd missed it; no one coped that well, and she'd told him yesterday that she couldn't go through another mass "outing."  Then what did she do?  Signed up for one the next day.

He grabbed his pillow and rolled out of the hammock, padding over to the dome before he could change his mind.  "Psst," he said, in a normal voice.  "Tell me if this is weird, okay?"

When she didn't say anything, he felt around for her legs and the edge of the mattress.  She was sitting up.  So he ducked under the dome, bounced onto the bed, and the added weight made her lean toward him, which was the point anyway.  Casey felt an elbow, a wrist... he didn't let go of either of them until she was pressed up against him and he could slide his arms all the way around her.

"I don't really recommend sleeping this way," Casey murmured, then realized how it sounded.  "Sitting up, I mean," he amended.  "I brought my pillow."

"Oh, that's good."  RJ's voice was barely above a whisper.  "Otherwise there might have been a... pillow shortage."

He smiled, turning his head to kiss her hair.  "This is better," Casey said softly.  "Good idea you had there."

"Well," RJ offered.  "I'm known for my quick mind?"

"No wonder."  He kissed her hair again, then let her go so they could actually get into the bed.  It wasn't quite what he had planned, but it was a lot better than what he'd expected.  He ended up pressed up against her side, breathing into her shoulder, trying not to reach for her hand.

RJ did it for him.  The twitch of muscle, the soft brush of fingers.  Then the clasp of her hand in the darkness, and it had never been corny, not even when RJ first did it months ago.  Now it was... different.  Smaller hand, smoother skin.  Light fingers.  It was strange and inexplicable and he didn't know how he would ever get used to it.

He held onto that hand anyway, because at the end of the day, he knew who it belonged to.

3. Master Level

RJ made breakfast the next morning.  She'd been up long before Casey, and he thought he remembered her getting out of bed but he honestly hadn't paid that much attention.  He might have been asleep.  He definitely didn't remember her turning any lights on to get dressed—and yet there was, looking like she... had.

“Pretty,” Casey said, tugging on the sleeve of her workout shirt as he passed.  He was going to have to pay more attention to her clothes if she'd gone to all the trouble of getting someone else's advice.  “How's training going?”

RJ tilted her head.  “More frustrating than expected,” she admitted.  “Omelet?”

“Yes, please.”  He sat down at the table and assessed the dishes.  “Are you making muffins?”

“In the oven,” RJ answered.  “Any preference when it comes to vegetables?”

“Surprise me.”  Casey watched while she broke a couple more eggs, then prompted, “Frustrating?”

She shrugged, scraping vegetables off the cutting board.  “It was perhaps too easy to tell myself that some of the... shortcomings I noticed while away were the result of a different environment, rather than—a different me.  I'm afraid being back in a familiar setting makes them... more obvious.”

There wasn't much he could say to that.  He taught kids; he knew how hard it was for them to adapt to their own bodies as they changed.  This was...

Actually sort of the same, now that he thought about it.  “It's kind of like growing up again,” Casey said aloud.  “Right?  You already have the skills; that doesn't change.  You just have to sort of... fine-tune the application.”

RJ adjusted the stove without looking.  “That's a more positive spin than I'd been putting on it,” she admitted.  “Yes.  I like that.”

It was still early, and he figured he'd better quit while he was ahead.  “Can I help with the dishes?”

So he cleaned up while RJ kept cooking, got breakfast and snacks to go, and managed to steal a few kisses in between.  It was easier to act like they always did when they were doing normal things.  He would have stayed longer—he usually did on Mondays—but there were people he wanted to talk to at the academy.

“You should come,” he told RJ, knowing she wouldn't.  “Nothing like teaching a beginner class to remind you how far you've come.”

“Ah,” RJ said, lifting one hand as though considering it.  “Nice try.  You just want to pass your students off to me, but you forget—I spent all last year training students to master level.  I think you'll find I don't need another reminder so soon.”

“We weren't that bad,” Casey protested.  Then, before she could say a word, he added, “Okay, we were.  Well, I was.  But if you want to test yourself against your peers, there's only one place to do it.”

RJ smiled.  “I appreciate the thought.  Will you be back after the convention, or will there be... more people you want to talk to?”

“Hey,” Casey said.  “I'm not avoiding you.  I missed some stuff on Saturday; I have to catch up.”

“Of course,” RJ agreed.  “Hence my question.  Which was, I might add, entirely serious.”

Casey shrugged uncomfortably.  “Uh, I don't know, I guess?  It depends how the convention goes.  And whether your dad wants to grill me or not,” he added, which was probably a little mean-spirited.  He needed to get out of the loft for a while, before he said something he regretted more.

“Right.”  RJ didn't look very happy, but Casey was pretty sure he was the cause, so trying to fix it seemed counter-productive.  “I'll see you... when I see you, then.”

“I'll be home tonight,” Casey promised.  “Before I go to the community center, okay?  Leave me a message if you need anything.”  It was the best he could do, since cell service at the academy was non-existent.

“I'm sure I'll be fine.”  RJ's tone indicated tolerant amusement, but her expression was hidden when she turned away.  “Enjoy the convention.”

“Hey.”  Casey came around the table and touched her shoulder.  “Have a good one.”

She turned into the touch and met his kiss with closed eyes and an open mouth, unexpectedly forceful and oddly confusing.  It took him a second to get it, and he tried to shift into the appropriate response before she gave up.  He couldn't—he just—what was he supposed to do with his hands?  RJ obviously wanted something, and it wasn't a goodbye kiss.

Except it was, because RJ twisted away easily, like that was it.  Like nothing had happened.  Like she hadn't meant anything by it.  “RJ,” Casey began, trying to figure out—was that an invitation?  Why couldn't he understand RJ's kisses the way he used to?

“Have a nice day,” she said, not looking at him.

Casey just stood there, awkward, not sure he was supposed to walk away... not sure what else to do.  “Um, you too?” he guessed.  She tossed a smile over her shoulder at him, and it was normal, like a regular smile, so he decided it was better to go with it.

He grabbed his bag and headed for the back stairs.  The loft was very quiet, and he felt like he should call something back... “bye” or “see you” or something.  Except they'd already said goodbye, and that had gone really well.  So he didn't, and RJ didn't either, and it was a long walk across the loft and down the stairs.

He paused outside the door, staring toward the street.  Something about all those people seemed too much right now.  He thought that was the tiger talking, so he listened.  Letting his bag slide down his arm, Casey leaned up against the outside of the building and closed his eyes for a minute.  Just a minute.

What was he going to do, really?  It wasn't like he hadn't tried to like girls.  He'd spent five agonizing teenage years trying to be like everyone else and all it had gotten him was a lot of guilt and a really spectacular blow-up with his family when he couldn't take it anymore.  He couldn't do that again.

He couldn't do that to RJ.

When Casey opened his eyes, he found Jarrod watching him from the kitchen door.  He'd probably been taking the trash out, on his way back in when Casey made his dramatic exit.  “Hi,” Casey said, lifting a hand to acknowledge the fact that he probably looked like an idiot.  “I'm going to... go to the academy, now.”

“Anything I can do?”  Jarrod's expression was unreadable; it had been like that a lot since Dai Shi left him.  “You don't have to—the masters convention isn't mandatory.  You can skip it.”

“Thanks,” Casey said, giving him a half-smile.  “But I need to get out for a while.”

Jarrod nodded.  “I... I do know what it's like to have someone suddenly be—not what you thought they were.”

“Yeah?”  Casey considered that, decided it was a stupid question.  “Yeah, I guess you do.”

“That's all I've got,” Jarrod said after a moment. “No wisdom or anything.”

He felt that smile flicker on his face again.  “That was good,” Casey told him.  “Totally worked.  You should bottle it, pass it around.”

The first expression he understood from Jarrod was a return smile, and he thought maybe he could face the street now.  “See you later,” Casey offered, straightening up.

Jarrod just lifted his chin in silent agreement.  He hadn't moved from his place by the door.

It was a little later than Casey had expected when he got to the academy, but his timing was perfect.  The sun was bright across the temple courtyard.  Students were just starting to emerge from the dining hall, trickling across the grass and criss-crossing the hill in their grey-blue uniforms.  And Master Swoop was ghosting through the arch on the far side.

Casey took a deep breath, calling the tiger forward until it subsumed everything.  The courtyard was bright and alive as he loped across the sun-warmed space, paw pads muffling the scrape of claws against stone.  He felt everyone turning to look; he didn't care, this was his.  His hillside, his land, his territory to claim and to hunt and to look after as best he could.

He caught up with Swoop easily, saw the man smile in the direction of his tiger form as Casey paced him.  “Good morning, Master Claw.  I believe you're earlier today than is usual.”

Casey shook off the tiger, almost managing to keep his stride as he went from four legs to two.  Not quite—he had to take an extra step, and he knew Swoop heard it.  But he was getting better.  “Morning, Master Swoop,” he echoed.  He still wanted to bow, even if everyone told him he didn't have to.  “I was hoping to ask you some questions.  If you have a few minutes before the meeting.”

“Of course,” Swoop agreed.  “So long as you don't mind the walk.”

Everyone knew Swoop kept Song from being late by “just happening by” her morning meditation on Mondays. The weekly masters convention didn't require the presence of every Pai Zhua master, but Master Song was one of three who actually ran the school.  She kept the meetings relevant and made sure everyone maintained something like perspective.

The fact that Casey was also one of the three “running the school” made him think there might be something wrong with their selection process, but luckily the other masters knew what they were doing.

“I'll enjoy it, actually,” Casey said.  “Can I ask you some things about the animal spirits?”

“You may ask anything you have questions about,” Swoop said with a smile.  “As you know.”

They were leaving the temple vicinity, angling down the hill and away from the residential buildings.  “I'm curious about the, uh, physical manifestation of the spirits,” Casey said.  “I mean, through us.  Not the separate forms that, you know.  Keep us company sometimes.”

Swoop's smile didn't fade.  “They do, don't they,” he agreed calmly, turning his face toward the neighboring hills as though he could see the view.  “But you're curious about your own experience?  As someone who shares his body with his animal spirit?”

He opened his mouth to say no, then reconsidered.  “Well, sort of,” Casey said.  “But it isn't just me, right?  I mean, not everyone can totally turn into their animal, but lots of people sort of... share characteristics with them, right?  Not just spiritual ones, but physical ones?”

Swoop inclined his head in what could have been acknowledgement.  “Certainly an affinity with a particular spirit may lead to... shared behavioral traits.”

“Yeah, but I'm talking about actual physical changes.  Like—”  Casey tried to think of someone it wouldn't be rude to talk about.  “Um, like Master Wing?  She says she can see four colors instead of three, right?  That's a bird thing.  Humans can't do that.”

“Ah, but is that an ability intrinsic to her person?” Swoop countered.  “Or is that merely a characteristic of birds that she's able to share?”

Casey frowned.  RJ had made them learn a lot about animals in between Pai Zhua meditations and Ranger training.  “Well, if human brains can't process fourth color input, then she wouldn't be able to understand what birds were seeing without some kind of... bird-like ability, right?”

Swoop nodded once.  “A fair distinction.  I suppose it would be interesting to know whether she could see unfamiliar surroundings in four colors, were there no birds present to provide a reference point.”

“Can you?” Casey asked bluntly.  “I mean... Theo says you can recognize shapes by the way things echo.  Can you do that in places you've never been before, if you're... alone?”

“Without any bats, you mean?”  Swoop didn't tell him to mind his own business, at least.  “I'm well aware that my spiritual abilities afford me more freedom than the average blind individual.  But whether that's a result of mystical training or inhuman abilities conveyed by my animal spirit, I couldn't say.”

So that was... not helpful at all.  Casey opened his mouth, ready to repeat his original question about physical characteristics, but Swoop continued, “There are, however, students like Tanaraq.  Perhaps she is a more concrete example of your curiosity?”

“Ermine spirit,” Casey said automatically.  He had memorized all of the students his first week back at the academy, and he'd spoken to each of them within a month.  His own promotion to master had been fast and frantic by the standards of Pai Zhua, and he was determined to be the kind of teacher RJ thought he could be.

“Indeed.”  Swoop didn't elaborate, and Casey tried to think of anything about Tanaraq that might be relevant.

“She... dyed her hair this winter?” he said at last.

That made Swoop smile, just a little.  “It wasn't dyed.”

Casey blinked.  Tanaraq's normally brown hair had been white for months.  “Wow,” he said.  “It does that on its own.”  That was obviously what Swoop was implying, and yeah: that was exactly what he was talking about.  “So your animal spirit can... change what you look like.”

“To some extent,” Swoop agreed.  “Or perhaps I should say, to differing extents in different individuals.”

“Depending on what?” Casey wanted to know.

“Many people think they know the answer to that question,” Swoop offered.  “But I believe I would give you the wrong impression if I said there was any kind of consensus on this.  Some people think the influence exerted by an animal spirit, physical or otherwise, is a result of a person's affinity for it and vice versa.  If this is true, the degree of affinity, or the strength of it, might reasonably be assumed to be a factor.”

“The stronger your connection to your spirit, the more you look like it,” Casey guessed.

Swoop shrugged. “That's one possibility.  You, however, have an unusually strong connection to your spirit and display no physical attributes of the tiger at all—except when you choose to allow them.  Perhaps a deeper affinity speaks more to conscious control of the expression than it does to the expression itself.”

“Okay, so—”  Casey frowned.  “What if the tiger left me?”

“As when it was torn away from you?”

“No,” Casey said, then changed his mind.  “Well, yeah.  How come no other spirit took its place?”

“Because you're not any other spirit,” Swoop said.  “You're a tiger spirit.”

“But sometimes people's animal spirits change,” Casey insisted.  “Right?  You're not born with an animal spirit; it identifies with you after.  What if whatever spirit picked you when you were a baby... I don't know, what if it changes its mind?  What if when you grow up you're more like some other spirit?”

“Most people are not born with animal spirits,” Swoop corrected.  “I suspect you were.”

“Uh...”  Casey watched him turn along a stone wall as though he saw it looming out of the ground in front of him.  He wasn't sure where Master Song was, but the masters convention started at nine and they still had to walk back.  He didn't really want to get sidetracked by this.  “Why do you say that?”

“The animal spirits help us,” Swoop said calmly.  “They guide us on our journey, but they are not with us forever.  Once they have taught us what they can, they move on.  Life and death are natural breaking points, brief moments in spiritual evolution that illuminate one truth or another—and often what follows calls for a different sort of guide.”

Casey could never decide whether he was disappointed that he had missed traditional training or relieved.  He never had any idea what they were talking about around here.  “Okay,” he said.  “Different lives, different animal spirits.  Got it.”

“But not in your case,” Swoop said.  “I think you and the tiger are too close to be new partners on this journey.  It's possible you're finishing some work left from the last time, and the tiger has stayed with you to see it through.

“I believe,” Swoop added, before Casey could ask what it was, “that the other senior masters may feel this way as well.  It's not every year that sees a cub promoted to master... let alone to senior master, with no more than a week in between.”

He thought the academy was a little too impressed by the whole recapturing Dai Shi thing, personally.  He hadn't actually done anything, as he'd tried to point out over and over again.  They still seemed to think he'd single-handedly saved Jarrod, destroyed the dragon, and made the entire order safe for kittens and puppies.  And what was even weirder was that Theo and Lily didn't complain about being called junior masters at all.

“Well, I respect the masters' decision,” Casey said neutrally.  “I'm sure I'll understand it in time.”

 At the end of the day, all he really wanted to do was practice being a tiger and teach kids it was okay to talk to animals.  They let him do that.  So as far as he was concerned, they could call him whatever they wanted.

“That,” Swoop remarked, “is a wise reply.  And also, I'm afraid, too political to make me think I've answered your question.  If there's something specific you wish to know, please ask.”

“Can someone's animal spirit just change?”  Casey wasn't going to ignore an offer like that.  “Not mine.  Say I have a friend whose spirit is the dolphin.  Could the dolphin leave, and suddenly her spirit is, I don't know, an eagle?”

“Certainly.”  Like it was obvious.  Maybe he should have tried to get that training after all.  “It's not common,” Swoop continued.  “Most of us have one spirit that stays with us for life, and others that act as teachers along the way.  And of course, anyone may seek the strength of any spirit for a particular purpose.

“For a lifelong spirit to leave us, however,” Swoop said thoughtfully, “there would have to be some greater meaning.  Perhaps your friend, too, had some work that was unfinished... or finished early.  It's possible that a change of spirit indicates a life cycle not naturally coinciding with lessons learned or taken up.  Or—”

Swoop hesitated, and Casey looked at him in surprise.  “Or what?”

“I suppose you've considered the possibility that the spirit your friend identified was not, in fact, their life spirit at all.”  Swoop tilted his head, as though to look at Casey through his sunglasses.  “Other spirits may stay with us for years, as strong and helpful as if they have always been there.  To facilitate some aspect of our lives... or even to act as a gentler proxy for another spirit.”

It struck Casey, and not for the first time, how many mannerisms Swoop and RJ shared.  “Hypothetically speaking,” Casey repeated.  He figured RJ would know the difference between a spirit for life and one that wasn't.  “I was just curious.”

“Of course,” Swoop replied.

They walked in silence for a moment, until Swoop remarked, “I hope you'll forgive my curiosity when it comes to your line of questioning.  You don't have to satisfy it, but are you wondering whether a change in animal spirits might have a noticeable effect on someone's appearance?”

Casey didn't know whether to be worried or relieved.  “Can it?” he asked, in a way that probably answered Swoop's question for him.

“I don't know,” Swoop admitted.  “But it's an interesting question.”

Casey tried not to roll his eyes.  He was pretty sure Swoop would know, somehow.  And even if he didn't, it wasn't very respectful.  He did his best to give as much respect as he got—and here, lately, he'd gotten an awful lot.

“I think it can,” he said, since he thought he owed Swoop that much.  He really did appreciate the help.  Swoop had never refused to answer questions for him, never said he was too busy or that Casey should already know the answer.  “If you were wondering.”

“Indeed.”  Swoop sounded interested.  “May I ask why you think that?”

“Personal experience,” Casey said, catching sight of Master Song on one of the wild rock faces below the academy.  Swoop had probably heard her from much farther away.  Theo said rocks were clearer to him than light bulbs were to them.  “It's not my news to share, but... you'll probably find out pretty soon.”

“Indeed,” Swoop repeated slowly.  “Well.  I look forward to it.”

They made their way to the near side of Song's rock face before she opened her eyes and turned to look down at them.  “Good morning,” she called.  “I expect this means the masters convention is about to start.  Hello, Casey!”

He lifted a hand to wave, letting Swoop answer for both of them.  “Twenty minutes,” Swoop called up to her.  “Will you keep us company on the way back?”

“Happy to!”  Her back to the rock, she slid down the small cliff like a water slide.  Her heels seemed to catch a foothold every once and a while, and it was less conspicuous than flying... but not by much.  It was still very clearly an elemental manipulation.

“Hi,” Casey said, when she landed beside him and grinned the way Lily did when Hypericum had just appeared somewhere she shouldn't.  “Nice slide, Master Song.”

“Why thank you.”  She had to be at least twice as old as Lily, but sometimes she was just as predictably carefree.  “But if you want me to call you Casey, you have to keep calling me Rebecca.  It's not a one-shot deal.”

He had to laugh at that.  “Sorry.  Slip of the tongue.  Rebecca,” he added, when she gave him an expectant look.

“Understood,” she said airily.  “I hope I don't owe your company to some unexpectedly serious situation?”

“No, I...”  Casey reconsidered.  “Well, maybe,” he admitted.  “But no.  Master Swoop was kind enough to answer some questions for me, that's all.”

She and Swoop exchanged amused glances—or rather, she glanced at Swoop, he turned his head toward her, and they both smiled at the same time.  It made Casey ask, “What?”

“'Maybe but no' is a... familiar answer,” Swoop said fondly.

“You sound like RJ,” Rebecca told him.  “Shall we walk?  How is RJ, anyway?  Is he home from Ecuador yet?  I don't suppose we'll see him at the convention either way.”

“RJ got home this weekend,” Casey said, holding out his hand to let her go first.  She settled between them as they moved onto the path, and he added, “I'm afraid you're right about the meeting, though.  Still kind of jetlagged.”

Neither of them challenged that.  Casey didn't always make excuses for RJ, and RJ had never asked him to, but when he did the other masters accepted it without question.  Even Finn.  Casey couldn't tell if it was because Finn was used to not seeing his son, or if he just figured that getting upset about it would make the likelihood of RJ ever coming that much smaller.

“The trip went well, I trust,” Swoop offered.

“Uh, yeah,” Casey said, because that was what he was supposed to say.  “RJ had a... lot of good things to say about it.  It sounds like a great place.”

“Tell him we're happy for him,” Rebecca said.  “I know he'd rather not come here, but I'd like to visit sometime, if it's convenient.”

“Yeah, I'll tell—I'll mention that,” Casey amended.  “Sounds good.”

There was an awkward moment where he tried to think of something else to say that might keep them from asking more questions.  Or maybe it wasn't awkward, maybe it was just a master thing.  He'd learned that just because they didn't gossip where students could hear them didn't meant they didn't gossip at all, but they didn't always do it in words.  He was still trying to figure out how much he was expected to talk as a master and how much he was expected to just stand there and look wise or knowing or something.

“RJ said something,” Casey said suddenly.  “In an e-mail; I meant to ask about it and I forgot.  There's only one Master Claw?  I mean, only one at a time?”

He saw Swoop nod out of the corner of his eye, but Rebecca gave him a funny look.  “Yes?” she said, as though she was still waiting for his question.

“Why?” he prompted.

“Because Master Claw is the head of the order,” she said.  “It might be a little confusing if there were more than one.”

Yeah, he thought they'd mentioned that whole “head of the order” thing, but he hadn't paid that much attention.  Everything had been a little crazy last fall, and he'd pretty much let the academy do whatever it wanted while he tried to figure out how to get Jarrod reinstated, Camille off the streets, and RJ to stop freaking out over Flit every time he turned around.  Then Theo and Lily had decided to move out, and really, all of November had been kind of a blur.

“Okay,” Casey said.  “Maybe this is the wrong time to ask, but how did I get to be the head of the order, again?”

“We elected you,” Rebecca said simply.

“Three senior masters must unanimously select a successor,” Swoop offered.

“But—”  Not only did that not answer the question, it also seemed impossible.  “Did Master Mao vote?  He was the head of the order before, right?”

“He was,” Rebecca agreed.  “I understand that some members of the academy saw him while the veil thinned, but I wasn't one of them.  Itzel and I agreed that Master Mao could have voted if he wanted to, and we both assumed he deliberately abstained.  The other masters supported this conclusion.”

“So... you decided?” Casey asked.  “You and Master Wing?”

“No,” she said carefully.  “Three votes are necessary.”

“In the absence of a third senior master,” Swoop said, “that individual's most recently graduated master-level student may be called upon to stand in.”

“Was that one of you?” Casey asked him.  It had to have been.  There weren't any other living Pai Zhua masters.

Rebecca sounded a little funny when she said, “Master Lang was the last student to reach the level of master under Master Mao's tutelage.”

Casey almost stopped walking.  “RJ cast the deciding vote?”

Rebecca didn't answer, but when he looked at Swoop he saw the other man smiling slightly.  “Is that even allowed?” Casey blurted out.  “I mean... RJ and I...”

“The Pai Zhua masters are limited in number,” Swoop pointed out.  “There are only nine alive today.  We are all expected to perform as objectively as circumstances allow.”

“If someone were going to raise concerns,” Rebecca added, “they would have done it when RJ gave you your master stripes in the first place.”

Casey remembered Finn protesting that, actually.  If it mattered, he'd been the only one, and Casey still wasn't sure if it had been because he really didn't think Casey was ready or if he was just angry that RJ had overridden his decision.  “RJ was my teacher,” Casey felt compelled to remind them.

“The convention supported his decision,” Swoop said mildly.  “As we support the consensus of the senior masters and their stand-ins.”

“But why?” Casey wanted to know.  He thought it was past time someone asked this question.  “Why did you want me to be Master Claw?”

“The animal spirits spoke,” Rebecca said.  “At this time, we recognize the tiger as our leader.”

In other words, Casey translated silently, ask RJ, because you're not going to get anything else out of them.  Not that RJ had leapt to provide the information so far, but to be fair, all the reasons Casey hadn't asked were probably the same reasons RJ hadn't volunteered.

“Right,” Casey said aloud.  “Well, thanks for explaining that.”

“No trouble,” Rebecca replied lightly.  And the thing about masters was that she might be serious.  He'd probably never know.

They walked in relative silence for a way, until Swoop remarked, “Casey raised an interesting question earlier.”  He said it as though he was just making conversation.  “Regarding the physical expression of animal spirits through human forms, and the possibility of such expression changing with the affinity of the spirit.”

“Oh?”  Rebecca, too, sounded curious without being surprised.

“Yeah,” Casey interrupted, “except it didn't sound that smart when I said it.”

Rebecca laughed, and it was suddenly easier to think of her as “Rebecca,” instead of “Master Song Who'd Asked To Be Called Rebecca When He Told Her To Call Him Casey.”  “Yes,” she agreed, “I find it's best to let Master Swoop summarize all of my arguments for me.  They tend to come out better when he expresses them.”

“Casey mentioned that he had some personal experience with the phenomenon,” Swoop said, like he hadn't even heard them.

Rebecca raised her eyebrows at Casey, but she didn't say “Oh?” again.

“I also mentioned that I'd prefer not to say what it is,” Casey said pointedly.  “He left that part out.”

“It's an interesting thought experiment,” Swoop told him.  “Regardless of the practical application.”

Rebecca made a leap that, in retrospect, wasn't that strange.  “Can you turn into other animals?” she asked Casey.  “Other than just the tiger?”

“No,” he said, startled.  Then he realized why she would ask, and he repeated, “Oh, no.  It's not me.  Or anyone, really.  I was just curious.  Why, do you think I should be able to?”

“No,” she echoed.  “Well,” she added, “actually, yes.  Possibly.  It's an unusual extension of your spirit, but it's not unheard of.  And if you have an affinity that strong with one animal, it stands to reason that your association with the other spirits that appear in your life could be just as strong.”

It stood to reason...  What kind of classes had he missed, anyway?

“Right,” Casey said.  “So if I start turning into an alligator, I'll let you know.”

“If you start turning into an alligator,” Swoop said dryly, “the tiger may let us know first.”

That was an interesting and maybe even relevant question.  “Are there spirits that don't get along?” Casey wanted to know.  “What if the alligator... I mean, what if I asked for the alligator's help with something?  Would the tiger... not like that?”

“Unlikely,” Swoop said.  “The tiger is part of you.  In the same way that the first person you ask for help wouldn't be someone you dislike, the tiger would tend to think of spirits it can work with before the others.”

“So if I think of the alligator,” Casey said, “that means it's probably okay.”

“You'd be surprised how many animals you probably don't think of,” Rebecca offered.  “I always forget about insects, for instance.  My spirit just doesn't have any affinity for them.  But you probably don't think of shrimp, or jellyfish.”

“I don't like jellyfish,” Casey said without thinking.

Rebecca smiled.  “There you go, then.”

“What if the tiger left?” Casey asked.  “Could a spirit it didn't like take over and keep it from coming back?”

Rebecca's smile faded, and she didn't look at Swoop but he got the feeling it was a deliberate effort.  “You're talking about malevolent interference,” she said.  “Some outside force trying to bend your spirit to its will.”

“Uh, no,” Casey said, startled.  “I don't think so.  Am I?”

“The spirits don't fight each other,” Rebecca said.  “If you or your spirit don't welcome something—or someone—into your life, it won't stay.”

And just like that, RJ's doubt came back to him and it was like a slap upside the head.  “What if I caused this?” RJ had said.  “What if I wanted it somehow?”  Because of course RJ thought it was her fault: it had happened, hadn't it?  If he didn't think of spirits he didn't like, and he didn't allow spirits he didn't want, then RJ probably thought she was a woman because she wanted to be.  Even when she clearly didn't.

What an incredibly stupid philosophy, Casey thought, and he only barely kept himself from saying it aloud.  “I see,” he said instead.  “I'll have to think about that.”

He spent the rest of the walk thinking about it, and he told them so every time they tried to question him further.  He was a master now; he was allowed to think about whatever he wanted.  He definitely wasn't taking this whole “we make things happen by letting them” thing at face value.  He'd fought rinshi; he knew how well not wanting something didn't work as a battle plan.

By the time they reached the convention circle, Theo, Finn, and Master Wing were already inside.  Lily and Master Phant were standing just outside the gathering space, talking, although they strolled into the circle when Casey arrived with Swoop and Rebecca.  Finn immediately fixed on Casey.

“Master Claw,” he said, and he was the only one who always sounded sort of amused when he said it.  “Good morning.  I understand my son is back in the country?”

“Master Finn,” Casey said, bowing.  Because this was probably going to go as well as most of the conversations RJ had with his father, and he didn't want to give any appearance of disrespect.  “RJ's flight got in early Saturday morning.  Sorry we didn't call; jet lag is still making our schedules a little strange.”

Finn waved it away.  “I'm accustomed to silence from my son,” he said.  “I do appreciate your willingness to keep me informed, Casey.”

Was it possible he hadn't heard?  Casey eyed RJ's dad carefully, but Finn gave nothing away.  As usual.

When he didn't say anything, Master Phant offered, “We're all glad to hear RJ has returned safely from his travels.  I hope you'll convey our welcome to him.”

Casey nodded once, and that was it.  The meeting began and ended on time, with the usual amount of confusion (usually his) and levity (usually everyone else's) and even discussion of things that seemed moderately important.  He figured anything that seemed moderately important when he was distracted by the fact that his boyfriend was a woman was probably really important, so he tried to pay attention.

Afterwards, he braced himself for more casual conversation with Finn while he tried to fall into equally “casual” conversation with Master Wing instead.  But he got lucky when Itzel turned to him and said, “May I discuss a student with you, Master Claw?”

So he and Wing stepped aside to talk about Jimmy, and after Casey agreed to bring up the subject of “private school” with Jimmy and his mom he added, “Could I ask you a couple of questions about bird spirits?  If you're not too busy?”

Itzel seemed to sense that this had nothing to do with students, and, in an eerie echo of her partner, held out her hand and offered, “Shall we walk?”

“I'd like that,” Casey agreed, since Rebecca and Finn were still standing outside the circle, chatting about something that could probably be put on hold if his conversation with Master Wing was interesting enough.  Not that he doubted Rebecca would hear about it within the hour, but he'd take even that delay when it came to Finn.

“You're worried about RJ,” Itzel said, as they walked away from the convention circle.

Casey might have stopped to stare at her if he wasn't sure that would make everyone still left from the meeting that much more interested.  “How do you know that?” he blurted out.

Itzel didn't smile.  “You're usually more effusive when his name comes up,” she said with a shrug.  “You're avoiding Finn.  And during the few comments you did exchange with RJ's father, our two junior masters couldn't stop looking at each other.”

She wasn't as creepy as she sometimes seemed.  Casey had to remind himself of that from time to time.  She did look a little strange, sort of royal and ageless, but she echoed his request to be on a first-name basis the same way Rebecca had and she answered questions as willingly as Swoop.  If she and Rebecca had some sort of weird, foresightful reason for wanting to make him a senior master, they hadn't been stirring the cauldron where he could see.  Yet.

“I am worried about RJ,” Casey admitted, since it wouldn't do any good to lie about it.  “But I wanted to ask you about birds.  Have you heard of a hoatzin?  It's from the—”

“The Amazon river basin,” she said.  “Yes.  Bird of mystery.”

“Do you know anyone who has it as an animal spirit?” he asked.  “What—who does it identify with?  Is there any reason it would suddenly show up in someone's life?”

“I suppose there are many reasons,” Itzel said.  “Typically it heralds a peaceful change of course.  Those working with hoatzin find that they are more able to see past the superficial, to complete the mourning of old losses so that they may move forward and accept new promises.”

“So it's a symbol of growth,” Casey said, frowning.

“All animal spirits help us grow,” Itzel reminded him.  “The hoatzin is particularly gentle about it.  It may soothe some of the growing pains that come with a thinning boundary between spiritual and physical selves.”

Something about that made him uneasy.  “What do you mean, thinning boundaries?”

“You yourself experience an increasingly subtle difference between your spirit and your human form,” Itzel pointed out.  Casey was getting a little tired of being used as an example.  “It isn't uncommon for master-level members of Pai Zhua to have experiences on either side of the veil.”

Oh, he knew what happened when they started talking about veils and dead people, and he was sure he didn't want to go there.  “So the hoatzin might come along to help someone through a transition,” Casey said.  “Is that what you mean?  The hoatzin couldn't cause the transition, could it?”

“Animal spirits are often catalysts for all sorts of change.  It's hard to identify cause and effect when it comes to the natural web of life.”

Okay, so today wasn't one of her more helpful days.  But he was being deliberately vague.  She probably wasn't doing it on purpose.

“Has RJ found himself working with a hoatzin spirit?” Itzel asked.

Because he was so good at being vague, Casey thought with a sigh.  “Yes,” he admitted.  He couldn't see any way around it.  “RJ says it's, uh... taken the place of the wolf.”

Itzel seemed to consider that.  Instead of coming out with anything useful, though, she mused, “I wonder what he means by that.”

Oddly, it made Casey feel a little better.  “So do I,” he muttered.

“Would you like me to guess?” Itzel offered unexpectedly.

Casey blinked.  “Um... yes?”

“Understand that I have no special insight when it comes your partner,” she said.  “You, of course, have far more knowledge of and context for his actions than I.”

Casey wasn't so sure of that.  She must have known RJ longer than he had, after all.  “Okay,” he said anyway, since she seemed to be waiting for him to reply.

“That said,” Itzel continued, “RJ does have some things in his life that he would rather not deal with.  The same could be said of all of us, of course.  But I sometimes think that your presence forces him to... confront those things.  I don't think it's easy.  It's possible that he has found a new strength to help him in this process.”

“Wait, what do I force him to confront?” Casey blurted out.  He was aware even as he said it that it was probably something he should ask RJ, not Itzel.  But it was too late to take it back now.

“Casey.”  Itzel stopped where she was, and he had to stop with her.

“Sorry,”  he said, lifting his hands as he turned to face her.  “I know, I know.  Not an appropriate question.  I didn't mean to put you on the spot.  You just surprised me.”

She hesitated, searching his expression.   “I...”  Itzel looked more human when she hesitated than she did any other time, he decided.

“I thought to clarify,” she said at last.  “That I speak as your peer, not as your master.  I don't have all the answers.  But I think... you already understand this.  You never behaved as a student here, did you.”

“Uh, I didn't have much of a chance,” Casey reminded her.

Itzel smiled suddenly, and it was actually a really pretty expression on her face.  “You make me think of RJ,” she said.  “Maybe if you ask yourself what things he makes you confront, you will have the answer you seek.”

“That's the second time someone's said that to me today,” he told her.  “That I remind them of RJ, I mean.”

“Just as animal spirits are drawn to a certain personality,” Itzel said, “so are masters drawn to a certain type of student.”

“The ones that are the most like them?” Casey guessed, amused by the thought.

That smile lingered on her face.  “Some people believe Master Mao fostered a sense of rebellion, even entitlement among his students.  A lack of respect that ran counter to the principles of Pai Zhua.  Others believe that he recognized students who might not reach their full potential under the stricter standards of academy hierarchy and... encouraged them to persevere.

“Favored them, one might say,” she added.  “I think he identified with them.  He certainly saw and nurtured talent that others were unable to bring out.”

“Like RJ,” Casey said.

“RJ would not have attained master status under Master Finn,” Itzel said.  “I think Finn knows this.”

Casey frowned.  “Wait... you think that's what RJ did with me?  When Master Finn wouldn't give me my stripes, RJ did it for him?”

“I think there are students who meet academy standards who are not always served by unbending enforcement of academy structure,” Itzel said.  “I think Master Mao understood this.  I think he passed that understanding on to his students.  Including Master Lang.”

He was mostly listening.  “How to follow instructions,” Casey said.  “That's one of the things RJ makes me—that's one of the things we make each other deal with.”

“Authority,” Itzel said.  She didn't seem surprised.  “The academy.  His father.  All things you brought into his life again after he successfully shut them out.”

“You think he needs a special animal spirit to handle that?”  Casey didn't know whether to make it a joke or not.  Was that—did animal spirits even do that?  Seriously, why did they want him teaching classes?  What if a student asked him this kind of thing?

“I think the spirits are always there,” she replied.  “Whether we choose to accept their assistance or not, whether we channel their strength... that is another matter.”

He decided none of them had really answered his question, but at least they were all very earnest about trying.  He had to wonder what they would think when they found out why he was asking.  He didn't know whether to hope it would all make sense to them then, or if he wanted to believe that his questions were clearer than the situation itself.

He thanked Master Wing either way, because she was sort of entertaining even though she confused him more than all the other masters combined, and headed back toward the temple.

Well, not counting RJ.  No one confused him more than RJ.  But no one was as worth it, either.

The convention circle was empty by the time he passed that way again, but he was barely within sight of the temple before Theo appeared beside him.  “Casey,” he said under his breath, falling into step beside him with his hands behind his back.  Like they were just out for a walk on a beautiful day.  “Master Finn's left.  He said he wanted to stop by JKP and see RJ.”

“What, now?” Casey blurted out.  “This morning?”

“He's not supposed to teach until after lunch,” Theo said.  “Lily went with him.  Said she left something at the loft and could give him a ride.”

“When did they leave?” Casey demanded, hoping he looked calmer than he felt.  It was fine, he reminded himself.  RJ could handle it.  There was no reason to get upset.

“A few minutes ago,” Theo said.  “Five at the most.”

Casey made up his mind.  “I'm going to warn RJ.”

“I'll take your class,” Theo called after him.  “No problem!  No reason to ask, really... don't mention it!”

Casey decided that yelling back would only make him look less dignified than he felt, so he called the tiger forward and crossed the campus at a ground-eating lope.  He kept it up all the way down the mountain, and there he might actually have an advantage over Lily and Finn.  Masters or not, two legs were no match for four.

He paused at the trailhead long enough to try his cell—he could usually get some service there, and today the wind was right.  Your dad's on his way, he typed, pausing before he hit send to add, Didn't tell him.

Then he tucked the phone into his jacket pocket and headed for the road.

There wasn't any return text by the time he got to the loft.  There wasn't any sign of Lily and Finn, either.  There also wasn't anyone in the loft, or an indication of where they'd gone.  So he tried the kitchen downstairs.

Alicia pointed wordlessly toward the back door, which he assumed meant “alley,” or “garage,” or “I'm about to run that way if you don't stop asking me questions I don't know the answers to.”  Casey followed her questionable directions and found the alley empty.  The same could not be said of the garage, though he would admit it might seem that way at first glance.  No one spent as much time out here as he did without knowing where to look.

Also, the faint glow coming from behind the workbench was a clue.

RJ didn't look up when Casey squeezed through the shelving at the far end and crawled onto an old couch cushion beside her.  “Hey,” he said, peering over her shoulder in the semi-dark.  The only light came from the screen of RJ's phone, which was currently showing a lot of little colored circles with funny faces on them.  “Are you playing that bubble game again?”

“It's very relaxing,” RJ informed him, not looking up.  The sound must be off, because every time three identical faces rotated into a triangle a number popped up and they all disappeared.  She kept pushing buttons, and the score kept rising, but the game was unusually quiet.

“Hiding from your dad?” Casey asked, even though it seemed like kind of a ridiculous question.

“No,” RJ said.  “I'm trying to determine whether total concentration will enable me to beat Dom's all-time high score at Bubble Smile.”  The green bar at the top of the screen ran out, and one of her extra lives vanished in a silent poof.

“Yes,” she continued, twisting another mismatched triangle so that two frowny faces were side by side.  “I'm hiding from my dad.”

“He probably won't find you here,” Casey said, watching her spin another triangle to add a third frowny face so that all three of them went up in a little burst of numbers.

“I hope not,” RJ agreed.  “Otherwise we'd have to rename the secret make-out spot no one knows about 'Secret Make-Out Spot That No One But My Dad Knows About,' and that's much harder to say.  Not to mention vaguely disturbing.”

His eyes were starting to adjust to the dimness, and it occurred to him that RJ's zebra-striped pants and matching bandana must say something about how she'd spent the morning.  Her usual chef's uniform would have caught the light a lot better.  Casey reached out to touch her sleeve, just to confirm what she was wearing.  The green was a funny dark color by the glow of the phone.

RJ didn't move, still lining up tiny triangles and trying to beat the clock at the top of the screen.

“I don't know if I ever told you,” Casey said, “but I always wanted to see you in one of our t-shirts.”

“My jacket doesn't fit,” RJ muttered, hitting the wrong key and losing two triangles at once.

“So we'll get you a new one.”  Casey watched the selector triangle spin, and the two lost piles of faces reunited, vanishing from the screen in a blur of score and graphic effects.  “I'm sorry if I was weird this morning.”

If there was one thing he'd learned from living with RJ, it was that his partner was remarkably susceptible to suggestion.  It had driven Casey crazy that RJ never apologized, ever... until he'd discovered, completely by accident one day, that RJ would say he was sorry if Casey did.  As far as Casey could tell, it just didn't occur to RJ that apologizing mattered.  But if he was around people who did it, he would do it too.

She would do it too.

The word “pause” appeared on the phone screen, followed by “quit game?”  RJ looked up as soon as the bubbles disappeared.  “I shouldn't have kissed you like that,” she said frankly.  “I miss you, Casey.  I've missed you for weeks, and I know... I'm probably not the only one, but you're right here.  You're still you, and I'm around you all the time, and I just—I don't know what to do.”

“I don't know what to do either,” Casey said.  “But we'll figure it out.  That's what we do.”

“She's a crazy pizza master who recently switched sexes,” RJ said.  “He's a tolerant tiger spirit who has a way with kids.  Together, they figure things out.”

Casey grinned.  “We've moved on from fighting crime, huh?”

“So last season,” RJ agreed.

The light dimmed as RJ's phone stopped waiting for the next command, and Casey said, “I don't think you're crazy.”

“All the interesting people are crazy,” RJ countered.

Casey's smile returned.  “In that case, I think you're very crazy.”

“Thank you,” RJ said.  “I appreciate that.”

They just sat there for a moment, quiet until RJ's phone powered down the rest of the way and the lighted screen wasn't anymore.  There was a tiny crack of light on the other side of the bench, where the door didn't close all the way, and that was it.  Casey couldn't see his hand in front of his face, let alone RJ's expression.

That made it easier to say, “I've never been attracted to a woman before.”  He tried not to listen to himself, tried not to think about how it sounded after it was already out because it was too late.  He had to keep going.  “But I'd never had a crush on a teacher before, either, and hey.  Look how that turned out.”

He heard a soft breath beside him that he hoped was amusement.  “I was pretty into you from the beginning,” Casey told the darkness.  “You were—really different.  I mean... you were a lot of firsts for me, you know?  I don't see why this can't be another one.”

When he paused, RJ murmured, “I don't want you to feel like you... owe me anything.”

Casey almost laughed, and he knew it was in his voice.  “RJ, I owe you everything, and it doesn't even matter.  Don't you get that?  You're... I mean, I love you.  You're probably the best thing that ever happened to me.  I want to do more for you than I could ever owe.”

There was a long moment of silence.  Then RJ said thoughtfully, “It's entirely possible that that's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.”

“I'm a nice guy,” Casey reminded her.

“Yes,” RJ murmured.  “You are.”

Casey nudged her shoulder with his own, more to convey warmth than to get her attention.  “Want to do some more practice kissing?” he suggested.  “I know it's weird for you, but pretend I'm the girl, okay?”

“How does that help?” RJ wanted to know.

He tilted his head, finding hers in the darkness and turning to press a kiss against her temple.  “Just go slow,” he whispered, and he felt stupid saying it but she couldn't attack him like she had this morning or they were both going to be disappointed.  “You're not a stranger, but you're not who I'm used to kissing, okay?”

“I suppose it's wrong to be jealous of myself,” RJ muttered, tilting her head to one side.  It was suddenly easier to kiss her cheek, and the tip of her ear, and he lifted a hand to push her bandana back without thinking about it.

“Yes,” Casey whispered, and he felt her tremble.  He was breathing into her ear.  It was weird to think he might be turning RJ on without feeling it himself.  “It is.  Because you're who I'm kissing now.  And you're the one I'm going to keep kissing.”

“You have my complete support for this plan,” RJ breathed.  Her hand brushed against his knee, warm through the Pai Zhua uniform he was still wearing, and that wasn't bad.  He wanted the contact, after all.  She wasn't the only one who'd been alone for weeks—and he'd had to sleep in their bed.  It wasn't the same without RJ.

“You know what's really frustrating,” RJ mused, turning her face toward his and landing a gentle kiss beside his mouth.  If she'd missed in the dark, she didn't let on, tilting her head to nose his jaw and brush butterfly kisses against his cheek.  “I can't figure out how to jerk off like this.”

He felt a laugh bubble up, soft sound irrepressible in the dark, because only RJ could be so tender and sound so puzzled at the same time.  “Yeah,” Casey said, fingers stroking along her neck while she buried her face in his and breathed in.  “I can see how that would be... frustrating.”

The hand on his knee moved—down, toward his ankle, then back.  A gentle caress that signaled nothing more than presence... that someone was there.  That he hadn't lost RJ after all, because she was right there.  With him in the dark.  Like always.

“You know,” Casey offered, “it's probably not much comfort now, but women are supposed to have better sex, right?  That's what all the lesbians say.”

“I'm fairly certain,” RJ murmured, kissing the side of his mouth again, “that lesbians think women have better everything.  That's why they're lesbians.”

Apparently RJ thought that “going slow” meant not actually kissing.  Casey pulled his leg up under him and turned into her, hand sliding out from behind her neck to cup her face.  Finding her mouth was easy with his fingers as a reference point, and he braced his other hand on the cushion beside him to keep from losing his balance.

Parted lips pressed to his, the fingers clutching his knee suddenly much closer to his body, and the quiet sound RJ made brought it home like nothing else: he was making out with a girl.  He was totally doing it.  It was even kind of fun, as long as she didn't expect anything more than kissing.

“Mm—”  RJ turned her head, a little breathless as she laid her cheek against his.  The hand on his knee went to his chest, too high, too careful as it slid around behind his back and came to rest just above his waist.  “I do know one thing.  Lesbians have less sex.”

Casey couldn't keep from laughing.  “You're never thinking about what I think you're thinking about,” he mumbled, sliding his hand down to catch on the collar of her t-shirt.  “Is the kissing too much?”

“The kissing,” RJ said, with a funny emphasis that made it sound like she was growling, “is not enough.  Do you have some objection to touching the rest of my body?”

He opened his mouth, but no... he definitely couldn't say that.  “No?” he guessed, suddenly uncomfortable.

“Then I suggest you do it,” she said firmly.  “Think of it as a training exercise.”

“Um...”  He didn't know how to explain that it wasn't that he didn't want to, exactly; it was more that it seemed rude, and also, maybe, it would give the wrong impression—

“Casey.”  RJ's voice was gentler now: sympathetic, a little sad.  “I don't expect you to want me.  But I need you to see me.  I need to at least know you can see me, if you want to.”

“It's dark?” he said, tentative with the joke.  “I can't see you at all, actually.”

“Figuratively.”  And RJ's tone was nowhere near as tight as her body, tense against his.  She was two seconds from snapping, and Casey was lucky he hadn't accidentally sent her over the edge.  “It isn't—I just...”

“Hey.”  He found her shoulders with his hands and squeezed hard.  “I was kidding.  I know you're a woman, RJ.  I see you fine.”  To prove it, he ran his hands down her arms, all the way to her hands.  He squeezed her wrists.  Smaller than they had been... the bracelets on her right hand hung loose, and the metal one RJ had worn on his left was missing altogether.

Casey felt unaccountably guilty for not having noticed the absence of that bracelet before.

He slid his hands under hers to rest on her legs, curling his fingers against the zebra-striped pants he'd gotten so used to.  These weren't the ones RJ usually wore—he could actually tell the difference by feel, and the thought made him smile.  He was sure he would get used to these, too.

He didn't pull his hands away, running them over her hips, squeezing her waist gently, sliding up her sides and under her arms.  He felt her draw in a deep breath, and there was no mistaking the curves.  “You're beautiful,” Casey whispered, because he couldn't see her face and she could look like anything right now.  “Never think I don't think that.”

“Would you—”  RJ's voice caught, and she tried again.  “Would you kiss me again?  Now?”

He heard the unspoken please but it didn't matter.  Obviously he would kiss her.  Wrapping an arm around her, he lifted the other hand to find her face before reaching back to feel for the cushions behind them.  Either she knew what he was doing or she was too intent on kissing to care, because Casey managed to wind up on top of her, laid out on a body that was softer than he was used to, and he was fumbling in the dark to make sure she was at least as comfortable.

“Okay?” he whispered, satisfied that she hadn't rearranged the couch cushions when he wasn't looking.  “Too heavy?”

“No,” RJ murmured.  She squirmed underneath him, and he wasn't sure which question she was answering.  He braced his elbow next to her and tried to shift to one side, but there wasn't that much room.  It wasn't their secret lounging spot, after all.

“Yes,” RJ said quickly.  “I didn't realize I... had to answer in order.  Yes, okay; no, not too heavy—that's—that's exactly what I wanted.”

Casey smiled, pressing a kiss against her neck as he relaxed into her again.  “Which is such a surprise,” he teased, more relieved than he could say that some things hadn't changed.  “I was kind of worried you only liked it before 'cause you were... taller.”

RJ's hands slid over his back, leaving no doubt that she wanted him right where he was.  When she tipped her head to the side, giving him more space to kiss, her amused voice tickled his ear.  “Casey, you're no lightweight.  I didn't have that much on you before.”

“Well...”  He took a deep breath just as she breathed in and before, he wouldn't have worried.  But now it felt different.  “You're—um, softer now?”  He kissed her chin in apology.  “I can't tell—I kind of feel like I'm crushing you.”

“You're not.”  There was no hesitation.  “I'll tell you if you're hurting me.”

“Yeah?”  Casey nuzzled her cheek, still vaguely confused by how smooth it was.  “Will you?  Sometimes I think you just let me do whatever I want because it's better than nothing.”

“No.”  One of her hands climbed to the back of his shoulder, rubbing gently through the jacket RJ had given him.  It seemed suddenly too much against her t-shirt, but there wasn't anything he could do about it now.  “I balance what I want with what I think you want.  I'm sure you do the same.”

“I want to take off my jacket,” Casey blurted out.

He could hear RJ smiling even as her hands stilled.  “No complaints here, amorcito.”

Casey closed his eyes, resting his head against hers for a moment.  He was surprised at how much better it made him feel.  “I think it's the first time you've said that since you got home,” he murmured.

RJ's arms tightened, squeezing him hard.  “I love you,” she whispered.  “I do, Casey.”

“I love you too.”  And he wasn't moving now.  She could just deal with his jacket, because he had RJ and he wasn't letting go.

RJ didn't say anything.  They laid there for several minutes, and he was just starting to think yeah, it might be more comfortable without his jacket, when RJ's phone buzzed.  Set to vibrate.  Of course.  Because RJ knew how to hide.

Casey fumbled for it in the dark, couldn't find it.  He could hear it, muffled against cushions.  But they were on the cushions.  “Are you lying on your phone?” he demanded at last.

“Possibly.”  RJ sounded amused.  “Yes.”

“You could have said something,” Casey told her, pushing himself up on his elbows.

“I was distracted.”  She shifted, but she didn't manage to come up with the phone, so Casey wormed one hand under her back and felt around.  “Sort of like now.”

“I'm glad I'm enough to distract you from the fact that you're hiding from your dad in a dark garage,” Casey told her.  “Anyone who's calling you probably has a good reason.”

“No one's calling,” RJ said.  “That's the text message buzz.”

“Too bad you're not ticklish,” Casey muttered, freeing the phone and using the light to find her mouth.  He gave her a quick kiss before sitting up to open her mail.

All it said was test for echo.

“Where are we?” Casey said quietly.  Knowing that someone was looking for them made it seem more important to keep his voice down.  “Lily wants to know.”

“We're right here,” RJ said.  She was squirming into a sitting position next to him, somehow managing not to hit anything as she turned.  He could see flashes of white by the glow of the phone, and he liked that she couldn't help bumping into him.  Constantly.

“Well, we're not,” Casey pointed out, “unless you want your dad to be right here too.  Or right there,” he added, waving the phone toward the other side of the workbench.  “Since he probably wouldn't fit right here.”

“Give me that.”  RJ plucked the phone out of his hand.  “This is unacceptable,” she said, and he watched her delete the message.  “We're nowhere.  The whole point of these things is that people don't have to know where you are.”

“Oh, is that the point?” Casey asked, amused.

“Yes.”  RJ put the phone back on the cushions and turned it over, hiding the light until it went out on its own.  “If someone wants to know something that's actually important, they can ask.  Until then, we're nowhere, doing nothing that's any of their business.”

“Okay.”  He started to shrug out of his jacket before he could think better of it.  RJ was contagious sometimes.  “Give me the phone back.”

She didn't ask why, just handed it over, and he wrapped it in his jacket before sliding it under the workbench.  “Okay,” Casey repeated, leaning back against the wall.  “Problem solved.”

“Yes,” RJ mused, “although it occurs to me... we may be going about this the wrong way.”

“The hiding thing?” Casey asked.

“No.”  RJ didn't move.  “The making out thing.”

“Oh?”  He'd thought it was going pretty well.  “Do tell.”

“Well,” RJ said slowly, “as flattering as it is, I'm not really the one who needs to be humored, here.”

“I'm not humoring you,” Casey protested, before his brain caught up and he could object to what she wasn't saying.  “Hey—”

“There's no harm in trying,” RJ said.  “Well.  Unless you're trying to harm, I suppose.  Move over, please.  No—over here.”

“You're there,” Casey pointed out, but RJ was obviously trying not to be there, and even if he had no idea what RJ was talking about, trying to switch places in the tiny space behind the workbench was always fun.  More fun, now that there were cushions.

“Better,” RJ declared.  “You'll tell me if I make you uncomfortable, right?”

“Uh, yes?” Casey guessed, more amused than anything.  Then RJ swung her leg over his, shifting into his lap, and his smile faded.  “Humoring” suddenly sounded a little bit... disastrous.  “RJ,” he said quietly.

“It's the only space I have,” she said, just as softly.  “I'm not expecting anything, Casey.  But if you don't want me this close, I can move.”

“No, it's fine,” he said quickly.  “Can I—”  He tried to make his voice sound as normal as possible.  “Can I have a kiss?”

“That's my ultimate goal, yes.”  RJ's hand found his shoulder in the dark, sliding gently up his neck to trace his jaw.  Her other hand went to his other shoulder as she shifted again—onto her knees, he thought, getting some of the weight off his legs.  Leaving her hands completely free.

“Are you going to—”  Fingers on his mouth made him pause—not silencing him, exactly, but he decided now was as good a time as any to shut up.  Those fingers moved over his lips, careful and thorough and not unwelcome.  They slid over his cheek, stroking his skin... and he was very aware of the other hand suddenly on his neck.

Casey closed his eyes as fingers pressed gently into the back of his neck.  One of RJ's micro-massages.  His favorite, actually, and RJ knew it.  Whatever the motivation, Casey couldn't object to the instant, almost involuntary relaxation that spread into the back of his head and jaw.

The other hand was in his hair, and Casey wasn't going to pretend anymore.  He reached for RJ in the dark.  His hands settled on a waist that didn't belong to a man, because it was a woman sitting on him and it shouldn't matter if she could do the things RJ did, right?  She was still a she.

Then RJ's mouth was on his and he forgot about his hands for a minute, forgot about the body he couldn't see... because he did know this mouth, now, and she was taller than him when she was on his lap.  She didn't kiss him hard; she barely kissed him at all and he tried to follow automatically when she pulled away.  Because that was what they did.

It brought RJ back, chasing another gentle kiss before she tried to pull away again, and this time he let her.  “Tell me,” she murmured, “if this isn't... cool.”

Before he could say it was fine, one of her hands slid down to his chest and covered his heart.  She did something—weird, and Pai Zhua-y—and the tiger woke up.  Casey gasped, because that was the wolf calling him...

And oh, the tiger really wanted the wolf.  Like a lot.  Maybe more than he'd ever known.

“Casey?”  RJ sounded alarmed.

He was holding onto RJ's shoulder, he realized distantly.  One hand clutching her shoulder, the other still tight on her waist.  Stiff, bolt upright like someone had yelled in his ear—and someone had, as far as he was concerned.  “I thought you said the wolf left.”

Only when he tried to talk did he realize how hard he was breathing.  Casey tried to relax, shuddered involuntarily, and heard the concern in RJ's voice when she said, “Well... left, stopped listening, refused to speak to me anymore... synonyms, really.  Why?”

He took a deep breath, uncomfortably aware of the difference between his reaction and the tiger's.  “You know how I used to joke about the tiger wanting you?  Him?  The wolf, I mean, whatever.  Turns out that wasn't a joke.”

“Wow.”  RJ sounded stunned, but she didn't get it at all and he had no idea until she said, “So I've managed to alienate both of you.  That's... incredibly discouraging, actually.”

“No!”  Casey managed to pry his hand off of her shoulder and clap it over the hand RJ still had on his chest before she could pull away.  “That's not what I meant at all.  The wolf is still with you.  The tiger heard it.  And I just... I guess I just—caught the edge of it.  I mean... you could kiss me a lot right now.  I want you to.  Really... a lot,” he finished awkwardly.

RJ was silent for maybe a heartbeat.  Or three, at the rate Casey's heart was going.  “The tiger is making you want me,” she said.

“I'm guessing that's not what you were going for, there,” Casey said.

“Well, no,” she admitted.  “But, ah... I'll take it?”

Casey laughed, high on adrenaline and shock and the thought that maybe, somehow, everything was going to be all right.  “You'd better,” he agreed, reaching for her other hand.  He pulled it away from his neck, pressed it up against his side, and kept it there by wrapping his arm around behind her back.

RJ got the message.  She leaned into him, her kiss tentative and light.  Casey teased back, exhilarated by the thought of tempting the wolf again.  There was no response—at least not from the wolf—but he didn't even care as the fingers on his chest curled into fabric and muscle.  Wrinkled t-shirt, tiny roving massage... so worth it when he was kissing a woman who used to be his boyfriend.  A woman who knew him exactly as well as that boyfriend had.

“I think you might be cheating,” Casey gasped, burying his free hand in her hair.  RJ took this to mean 'stop kissing', but her hand was still warm against his chest and her fingernails scratched gently through his t-shirt.  His fingers dug into her back—habitual, instinctive—and he felt her stiffen.

Casey leaned forward, trying to apologize with a kiss... distantly he knew she was still a lot more into it than he was, and he was pushing her buttons without thinking.  But his kiss found her cheek in the dark, and that was a tongue against the inside of his arm.  Her mouth was on the skin just below his wrist and his fingers went slack in her hair when she blew on it, kissed again, and this time he felt teeth.  Soft slide of mouth, bite, breathe, and oh, he was definitely going to have a hickey there.

The hand on his chest shifted, just slightly higher, dragging his attention away from that single point of contact when fingernails scraped over ever more sensitive skin.  And back again.  Up and down, palm resting on his ribs while his t-shirt utterly failed to muffle the sensation of cold sparks as his chest tightened and her fingers started to catch on parts of him that weren't smooth and flat anymore.

RJ's touch gentled as soon as she noticed, rubbing little circles through his shirt instead.  Around his nipple, over it, the pressure exactly right and now all he could feel was heat, because if she could do that...

“Ow!”  Casey yanked his hand away from her hair, suddenly aware that her teeth on his wrist were doing a little more than teasing his skin.  “You—!”

A sound suspiciously like amusement, maybe a muffled laugh choked off by his shove.  Casey caught her arms, pressing a hard kiss to her mouth, and she pushed back.  Hands sliding between them, surging up onto her knees, she had every advantage on her side and he wound up forced into the cushions while RJ's tongue explored his mouth.  It was his own fault—and he was actually kind of proud of that.

Then RJ's hands were groping his chest again, Casey felt himself moan into a mouth that didn't need any more encouragement, and his admittedly distracted brain decided that he really should return the favor.  Except that RJ's chest wasn't flat.  It took him half a second to realize he had his hands full of breasts and there was another half a second where he thought, huh, and then RJ was jerking away.

Casey pushed himself up on his elbows, struggling to sit up while her weight held him down.  He couldn't see anything, but she wasn't going anywhere so that had to be good.  “Hey,” he whispered, inching his hand forward to rest against her knee.  “My bad?”

“No,” RJ murmured, and she sounded breathless and pretty even in the dark.  Casey couldn't help but smile when she added, “Just... give me a minute.”

“I didn't mean to,” he offered, managing to sit up the rest of the way.  “I mean, I did, but I didn't think about it.”  Just for a second he'd forgotten: that RJ was a girl, how hard girls were, all of it.  “You'll have to, uh... tell me what to do.”

“I'm afraid...”  RJ still sounded funny, even as she caught her breath.  “My intimate experiences as a woman are somewhat limited.”

“So tell me what not to do,” Casey murmured, feeling for her stomach.  He let his fingers ghost over her shirt until they started to rise, following the line of her body, and he paused.  “Is this bad?”

RJ's voice was very quiet.  “No.”

The smooth JKP design was cool under his fingers as he traced the rise of that t-shirt from one side to the other.  “What about this?”

“No,” RJ said softly.

Casey drew a wide circle, light touch barely folding the heavy decal in at all.  Over top of it, though, he felt the place where a bra strap hid under the line of the shirt.  His fingers slid along her arm on the side, and he felt her breathe in when his hand brushed over her stomach again.  “What about this?” he murmured, hesitating somewhere in the middle.  “Is this bad?”

Her whisper coincided with his realization that it was actually the bra under his hand, and when she said no he tried to trace that instead.  He thought he could feel the edge of it through her shirt, but he had to rub his fingers back and forth to make sure, and the higher he got the harder it was to tell.  He felt her take another breath, sharp but silent—and suddenly his hand wasn't hovering so much as it was... resting.

“No,” RJ whispered, before he could ask.  “That isn't bad.”

So he smoothed his fingers out, cautious and careful, and he didn't know whether to be glad or disappointed that he couldn't see her face.  He wasn't sure he wanted to watch her watch him.  On the other hand, he had no idea what he was doing and a little expression might have filled in some of the gaps.  He let his hand move, light and aimless, and he decided it wasn't really that different from anywhere else—

“Casey.”  RJ shifted, and he froze.  “It isn't... you don't have to...”

He was about to pull away when she moved again, her hand coming up to cover his—and she pushed, hard.  Enough to make his fingers flex and her breast sort of... smoosh under their hands.  “It doesn't hurt,” she said, sounding almost breathless again.  “It's not like—I mean, well.  It doesn't hurt.”

“Uh-huh.”  He pushed gently when she let his hand go, and he curled his fingers carefully, but he couldn't make himself apply that much pressure.  “You say it doesn't hurt when I raise welts on your back with my fingernails,” he reminded her.

RJ didn't answer.  “Could you,” she began, then mumbled, “Um, if you don't mind.  The other side?  Please?”

Oh, hey.  Two hands, two breasts.  That worked out well.

“Okay,” RJ whispered after a moment.  “So that was a successful experiment, I guess, but it was really a lot better when you were on your back and moaning.  What say we close the book on this and try to get back to that?”

Sadly, Casey didn't think it would be that easy, but he was willing to give it a shot.  “Kissing first,” he murmured.  Because they were actually getting pretty good at kissing.

RJ leaned into him eagerly and Casey was already leaning and they wound up bumping heads and trying to muffle laughter in each other's shoulders, which was actually the best thing all day.  Then RJ licked his neck, and Casey dragged his fingernails over her back, and she made a sound somewhere between another laugh and a gasp.  Hot breath on his skin made him hold her a little tighter, because it turned out that making RJ shiver was still kind of exciting.

“This is,” she whispered in his ear, “maybe, going too far...”  But her hands were already under his shirt, like she had no idea how they'd gotten there and he didn't mind, did he?

“Mm,” Casey mumbled, twitching as hot fingers slid up his sides.  “You suck at going slow.”

He should have seen it coming: he had a hand on her neck, and when she ducked her head his only excuse was that his skin was on fire in places no one had touched since RJ left.  So he lifted his hand automatically, going to brush her hair out of her face for her, more distracted by the hands on his chest than the one lulling him into a retaliatory trap.  She tipped her face in the dark, kissing his fingers, and his hand stuttered to a halt.

Which was how his thumb ended up in her mouth, tongue wet and sweet against his skin and for a second he couldn't breathe.  His fingers came to rest on her face.  Her hands were hot on his ribs.  She was totally cheating, and Casey didn't stop to wonder if it was fair to take advantage of the way her t-shirt was riding up.  He let his fingers spread out over the small of her back, skin on skin, soft and warm and really nothing compared to the way she was sucking the fingers of his other hand into her mouth one at a time.

The garage door opened, and he didn't even hear it.  But he saw the light spill across the floor on the other side of the workbench and it seemed to take forever before he understood what it meant.  He slid a very damp hand free and covered RJ's mouth, breathing “Shh” in her ear.

“RJ?” Lily's voice called.  At least she knew better than to step through the door—Casey had re-armed the alarm system behind him when he came in.  “You in here?”

RJ didn't exactly freeze, breathing hard against him and Casey would swear he could hear her heart pounding in time with his own.  He could definitely feel the pulse in her neck when he pressed his face to her skin in an effort to keep from making any noise.  RJ's hands were mercifully still.

“There's no one in the garage,” Lily reported, her voice a little less immediate as she turned away.  The door closed behind her a moment later.

Casey uncovered RJ's mouth and wrapped both arms around her, squeezing tightly as he tried not to laugh.  RJ's hands were pinned between them but she still had some serious leverage, and when she rocked against him he went down in a hopefully quiet tangle of limbs and clothing and cushions.  Her body covered his, head next to his and her amusement partly muffled by the cushions.  She was almost... giggling.

“Shh,” Casey whispered, louder this time, but it was hopeless because it only gave his laughter an outlet.  And RJ was definitely giggling now, probably laughing at him as much as anything and he didn't even care, because she sounded happy.  Mischievous, delighted... pleased.  Unconcerned.

The door opened again, the light came on, and the alarm went off all at once.  Someone had just walked in.  RJ's Star Trek theme was blasting the “red alert” siren loudly enough that the businesses across the street would be able to hear it, and for some reason, she seemed to find this even funnier than Lily concluding that there was no one there.

Casey clapped a hand over her mouth again, but he could hear Finn yelling, “What is that noise?” and he figured they probably couldn't hear RJ anyway.

“We are so screwed,” Casey said, to no one in particular.

Then RJ pulled away from his hand to kiss him, and he couldn't bring himself to care.

The alarm went off a few seconds later.  “It's just to keep kids from sneaking in,” Lily was saying.  “You know, so they won't hurt themselves or whatever.”

“Why can't he just get a lock like everyone else?” Finn wanted to know.

Okay, they were both in the garage, and it sounded like at least one of them was walking around.  Finn's footsteps, Casey thought absently, studying RJ's face.  It was still a little startling to see a woman looking back at him, but the tolerant amusement in her eyes was totally familiar.  Even with her hair mussed, her shirt rucked up, lying on top of Casey with her hands under his shirt, she didn't look embarrassed.

“I don't think RJ's really a big fan of locks,” Lily's voice replied.

Casey had had enough.  “You know,” he called, and RJ let her head fall to his shoulder for a moment, “there's a reason the light was off and the alarm was on.”

There was utter silence from the other side of the workbench.

“You know what this means,” RJ said.  She lifted her head to look at Casey, but she clearly meant for all of them to hear.  “We definitely have to find a new secret make-out spot.”

Casey bit his lip to keep from laughing.  “Technically,” he pointed out, “they haven't found this one yet.”

“I'm sure they're narrowing it down as we speak,” RJ said.

“Casey?” Lily called.

“No,” Casey said loudly.  “RJ's other boyfriend.  The one we don't talk about.”

“If you would come out here where we could see you,” Finn said, his voice gruff, “we wouldn't have to guess.”

“Actually, if we wanted to risk you seeing us, we wouldn't have let you know we were here in the first place.”  RJ's amusement seemed to be waning.  “Also, in the future, I'd really appreciate it if you wouldn't just walk in without warning.”

“It's a garage, RJ.”  Finn sounded more exasperated than RJ did.  “And why do you sound so strange?”

“It's my garage,” RJ replied, “and I will roll about in it with whomever I wish.”

Casey squeezed her gently.  “As long as it's me,” he said.

“Yes, of course.”  RJ smiled at him.

“Oh, for god's sake.”  Casey couldn't remember ever hearing Finn swear before.  “If we wait outside, will you make yourselves presentable and satisfy me that you've returned to the continent in one piece?”

There was a long pause, and Casey watched RJ try to decide if any version of “no” would work.  “Could I send a reputable witness in my place?” she asked at last.

“Five minutes, RJ.”  Finn's voice was stern, but his footsteps retreated, and Casey heard the door close behind them a moment later.

The tension drained out of RJ, and she put her head down next to his again and didn't move.  Casey readjusted his arms, rubbing her back and turning his head enough to press a kiss to her hair.  “You'd think they could have turned out the light again,” he murmured.

The half-hearted huff could have been amusement.  “We could sneak out the back,” RJ offered, her voice muffled by the cushion.  “Make a run for it.”

“He knows where we live,” Casey pointed out.  “We'll have to face him eventually.”

“And so the student has surpassed the master,” RJ mumbled.  She didn't lift her head, but after a moment, her fingers twitched against his chest and she slid her hands out from under his shirt.  She made a truly unconvincing effort to tug it back into place without sitting up.

On the other hand, Casey hadn't let her go, so it wasn't like she had a lot of options.

“Well,” he said after a moment, “we've learned a valuable lesson here.”

“Yes,” RJ agreed.  “Make the alarm louder.”

Diverted, Casey asked, “Hey, would you object to a latch?  It doesn't have to lock.  Anything we could flip from the inside would do it.”

RJ finally lifted her head again, brushing her hair out of her face as she propped her elbow up by his shoulder.  “It would only be good for one thing,” she pointed out.

Casey smiled.  “Well, it would only have to be.”

The reluctant twitch of her lips became an actual smile.  “I approve of this plan.”

“Good,” he said, “but no.  That isn't what we learned.”

RJ frowned.  “No?”

“No,” Casey repeated.  “We learned that I think you're hot.  In practice as well as in theory.”

“Oh?”  RJ brightened.  “Hot in the 'fun to make out with' sense?”

Casey grinned at her reaction.  “Very.  Let's get some more practice later.”

“You're on.”  RJ actually sat up, like dealing with her dad seemed more doable all of a sudden.  Casey let his arms fall, struggling to follow her example once she was mostly off of his legs, and RJ watched him closely.  “Do I look as much like I've been molested as you do?”

Casey had to laugh.  “I hate to break it to you, but I'm pretty sure you look worse.”

It didn't seem to bother her.  “Well, maybe my dad will learn not to drop in without warning.”

“You had warning,” Casey pointed out.  “In fact, I was your warning.  Your dad would never have caught us out here if you hadn't been warned.”

RJ considered that.  “That's a fair point,” she admitted at last.  “Maybe my dad will learn... not to drop in at all?”

“Seems unlikely,” Casey said, pulling his shirt down and around and back into place as much as possible before he reached out to smooth her hair.  “Besides, you like it.”

RJ frowned at him.  “I think I'd know whether I like having my dad around or not.”

“Oh, I think you would too,” Casey assured her.  “I just don't think you'd admit it.”

RJ made a face that that indicated this might be true, but she turned and scrambled toward the shelves without saying anything.  Casey watched for a minute—a rare opportunity to observe without being observed in return—before crawling after her.  She was running her fingers through her hair, front to back in classic RJ style, when he climbed out.

“Your jacket,” she said, catching his eye.

“Oh, right.”  He got down and swept an arm under the workbench, snagging the jacket with his fingers and pulling it out.  Casey unwrapped the phone and handed it to her before shaking his jacket, then brushing the sleeves off, and finally giving up.

RJ smiled as she straightened her shirt out.  “How was the masters convention?” she asked lightly.  “I forgot to ask.  Also, how do I look?”

He grinned, fastening his jacket up the front.  “Beautiful and parent-approved,” he assured her.  “The convention was confusing, as usual, but at least they don't have to stop and explain things like the schedule, or the menu, or recreational land use anymore.”

“Ah,” RJ said, taking her phone out of her pocket to look at it before putting it back.  “An improvement.”

“That's what they tell me,” Casey agreed, holding out his hand.  “Ready?”

She looked at his hand, and he had a brief moment of wondering whether it was the right thing to do.  But it wasn't each of them for themselves—Finn liked him, but Casey would never side against RJ and he'd made that clear.  Then RJ took his hand, and the sudden closeness made him realize it was more than that.

They didn't hold hands.  Not in public, not ever.

“Sorry,” Casey said, but he was already heading for the door and he didn't let go.  “I won't if you don't want to.”

“I like it,” RJ said mildly.

That was all they had time for before Casey opened the door.  Lily and Finn were standing in the alley, under the break deck awning, and Lily smiled when she saw them.  Finn turned around, arms folded, and glared at them.

And kept right on glaring.

“Hello, Dad,” RJ said.

Casey figured it was better if he didn't say anything.  Lily seemed to have decided the same thing, since she didn't even try to say good morning.  She just stood there, looking from RJ to Master Finn, and when she looked at Casey he caught her eye but neither of them nodded.

“You're a woman,” Finn said flatly.

RJ's fingers twitched, and Casey glanced at her.  She looked perfectly calm as she asked, “Why is that the first thing everyone says?”

“Is it the first thing everyone says?” Casey asked, curious.  “They were pretty quiet last night.”

“Oh, you missed the crew crowd,” RJ replied.  She was still looking at Finn.  “They're much more... outspoken.”

“Is this really necessary?” Finn demanded.

“The hand-holding, or the—”  RJ pointed from Casey to herself, waving her hand up and down as if to indicate her entire person.  “This?”

“This!” Finn repeated.  “Did you even go to Ecuador?”

“Of course.”  RJ sounded affronted.  “And I have pictures to prove it.”

“I don't want to know,” Finn snapped.  “If this is all a joke to you, the least you could do is acknowledge the effect it will have on other people.”

“Hey, RJ didn't ask to be like this,” Casey interrupted.  “You could be a little more supportive.”

Finn turned on him.  “There's a difference between supporting someone and enabling their self-destructive tendencies,” he growled.  “You do RJ no kindness by encouraging him.  I don't know my own son anymore.”

Casey's eyes widened, because wow, something had gone really wrong in there somewhere.

“History suggests,” RJ said quietly, “that perhaps you never did.”

“And you,” Finn said, glaring at RJ again.  “I would have thought you'd have better business sense than this, at least.  This is no time to be alienating customers with one of your whims.”

RJ didn't hesitate.  “Most of them seem okay with it so far.”

“Everyone likes RJ,” Lily put in quickly.  “No matter what she looks like.”

“People often say things they don't really mean,” Finn informed them.  “Until you can take this seriously, I refuse to discuss it further.”

“Master Finn—!”  It was Lily who tried to stop him, and it was Lily who went after him, shooting them a sympathetic look as she did.  RJ just shook her head, but it didn't keep Lily from trying.

“Okay,” Casey said, still startled.  “I turn into a tiger.  Is a sex change really too much for him?”

“I guess now we know where he draws the line.”  RJ sounded fine, but RJ always sounded fine.  “That actually went better than I expected.”

Casey sighed, because yeah.  Definitely not fine.  “Maybe I should have told him first.  This morning, I mean.”

“I could have told him,” RJ said.  “Before he came over.  I didn't.  Nothing about this is your fault, Casey.”

“Yeah, well, it's not yours, either,” Casey retorted.

There was a long moment where he was very conscious of RJ's hand in his.  He wanted to hug her, but for all of RJ's disregard for personal space he had always been sensitive to restriction.  So Casey waited until RJ murmured, “No, I suppose not,” and leaned a little against his shoulder.

Casey put his other arm around her and she stepped into him without another word.  Their hands were still together, entwined outside the embrace when Lily came back around the corner.  She slowed when she saw them, but Casey tipped his head in invitation and her expression twisted apologetically as soon as RJ looked up.

“Sorry, guys,” Lily said.  “He wouldn't talk, and I thought it was better to let him cool down.”

RJ let her arm fall, squeezing Casey's hand once before she let go.  He stepped back, realizing only then that her bandana was missing.  Probably still behind the workbench somewhere.

“I appreciate your effort,” RJ was saying.  “I'm afraid my father isn't... easy to reason with.”

“He is,” Lily insisted.  “You know he is, RJ.  He'll come around.  He just needs time to process.”

RJ made a face that seemed to contradict this, but she didn't answer.

“Thanks, Lil,” Casey said.  “I mean, thanks for going after him.  And coming with him in the first place.”

“Yeah, how did you get here before me?” she wanted to know.  “Theo must have found you right after we left.”

“Just missed you,” Casey agreed, glancing at RJ.  “I sent RJ a text from the road.”

“Your car was gone before we even made it down the mountain,” Lily said.  “Did you fly?”

He was pretty sure she was joking.  “I ran,” he told her.  “Tiger, remember?”

“Wow.”  She looked a little taken aback.  “I wish I could do that.”

“But if you did,” RJ mused, “how would we know what to call you?  Lily, or Hypericum?”

Casey grinned.  Anything to get RJ thinking about something else.  “Lilpericum?” he suggested.

“Hyperily?” RJ countered.

“How about The Most Awesome?” Lily offered impishly.  “Which is what I'm going to be when I go back to the academy and teach Casey's class for him.  You guys should go do something fun.  Get out for a while.”

“Ah,” Casey said, pointing at her.  “I like this mass effort at making my life easier, and I think you should keep it up.  But sadly, when it comes to my class... Theo beat you to it.”

That didn't slow her down.  “In that case, I'll go help Theo teach his class so he doesn't have to do two in a row by himself.”  She smirked.  “And also because the jaguar is really funny when new animal spirits interrupt his meditation.”

Casey looked at RJ, who tilted her head in response.  “I think I'd prefer to... work?  I haven't made pizza in weeks.  I'm afraid I might lose the magic.”

Which was fair.  She'd just come back from vacation, after all.  Maybe the best way to feel normal was to do normal things.  Casey had opened his mouth to agree when RJ added, “But if you want to stay, I'm sure I could... find something for you to do.”

Casey relaxed, and he hadn't even realized he needed to until after he did.  “Can I cook?” he teased.

“You may assist me,” RJ allowed.  “I have an experiment I'd like to try.  Your skills could prove useful.”

Lily rolled her eyes, but it was a fond gesture.  She was probably as relieved as he was that RJ was accepting company.  “The kitchen,” she said, “is going to be in so much trouble today.”